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We mock. We tease. Yet we do not want Lou Holtz to leave the studio, because his daily appearances border on the surreal, and the good people in Bristol know it. Vacillating between grandfatherly advices and sudden fist-pounding rages without warning, Holtz plays a contrarian plucked straight from the skull of a Simpsons' writer, a guffing wee demon with plasticine hair, Magoo spectacles, and a spectral charisma instantly undercut by something he just insisted was true, but is actually physically impossible. ("You better watch out for Elon, South Florida!" or "Woody Hayes greatest accomplishment was building the moon.")

We just wish someone would feed him once in a while.

Trevor Matich, please take your tie back.

If you haven't watched Lou's mock speech to Michigan last night, do. It's wrought from a weird fabric only made from the woven fibers of pure crazy and handcrafted by geniune babbling lunacy. In warp and woof, it's distilled madness. Yet watch it and tell us you're not ready to kick some ass, young person. Correction: kick thum ath., young person.

To watch the speech, click the jump. If you can sthand the exthitement, that ith.