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CURIOUS INDEX, 8/31/07

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Does Type O Negative need a new lead singer?

11/28 120 0 6...and thar's Michael Henig's line for last night's 45-0 loss to Louisiana State. After the first half, the only real entertainment lay in waiting out of sheer malice to see what level of torture Croom would deem acceptable under the terms of the Geneva Convention. Thanks to last night, we now know that you may torment your qb to the extent of exactly six interceptions thrown into coverage without hope, separation from your receivers, or a prayer. Donald Rumsfeld called Henig's treatment in Croom's offense "harsh."

Croom rhymes with doom. He's an offensive coach whose offense makes the baby Jesus weep and that Steve Spurrier develops contact dermatitis to if you merely mention it. Kentucky's defense describes them as "bitches." He let Michael Henig die, then die some more, and then really begin the dying again. Last night, the announcers described next week's matchup versus Tulane as "a must win." He's fired, fired, fired. Formalities describe the rest of the season.

It's gumbo. You should like it. There wasn't as much sandbagging as the announcing team said there was, but Gary Crowton's new LSU offense reeked of the same odds 'n ends stew he peddled at Oregon and BYU: power run sets, bites from the Urban Meyer spread option at Utah that thrashed Crowton's BYU team in '04 for fifty, and plenty of what Irishoutsider called "give the ball to fast guy, pray for YAC, FB dive, and when in doubt, screen or jet sweep because thats what the cool kids do." As the header says: it's Gumbo, you should like it, LSU fans! AIIIEEEEE!!!

When it faces a defense that just stays home and blitzes judiciously, however, you may consider requesting a change of dish...especially if the suddenly mobile Matt Flynn takes an injury and leaves LSU in the hands of Ryan "Grits 'n Gravy" Perriloux, who if you'll notice did NOT see playing time until the 21 point spread was well beyond exceeded.

Suck it, Houston Nutt!!! Tulsa, using the no-huddle attack Gus Malzahn wanted to install at Arkansas, passed 31 times for 307 yards in a 35-17 victory over the tenacious University of Lousiana Warhawks. 31 times, Nutt. Take that, troglodyte! We could have been gods, I tell you---GODS!!!

You've been...shoulder-fucked! YEAH YEAH YEAH!!!

Welcome back, Brian Johnson. Here's a separated shoulder for ya. Brian Johnson, fresh off the latest AC/DC Wifebreaker tour enjoyed his reward for all the hard work he did coming back off an injury year in the game against Oregon State: a separated shoulder (two weeks) and a 24-7 loss to the very serious-looking Beavers. Playing two ineffective quarterbacks matters not when Yvenson Bernard is busy working his way into your 2008 NFL Fantasy team's tenth round "Why the Fuck Not?" slot with 165 yards to start the season. Utah also lost their starting running back for the season, so they're obviously skipping with delight at with how this whole thing has started.

Phil Trautwein is the opposite of healthy. Florida's starting LT Phil Trautwein has a stress fracture in his left foot, forcing a severe rejiggering of the Florida line to the youngish side: redshirt junior Jason Watkins will move to LT, Carlton Medder to RT, and true frosh Maurkice Pouncey will start at RG. That's true freshman Maurkice Pouncey. Not even the delight of his spelled name can dispel our horror at this news.

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