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LEPRECHAUN TELLS US STARTING QB FOR ND IN WEEK ONE

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Orson Swindle rummages around the EDSBS Bunker, flashlight and can of Pine-Sol in hand.

OS: Shit, we need to clean up around here. Old "Punt Bama Punt!" bumper stickers...an autographed Cecil Collins crowbar...Jesus, it's like haven't cleaned in here since the Poulan Weed Eater Bowl---

AAAAAAIIIIIGGGH!! What the fuck, Galoshes? You know we hate it when you sneak up on us like that.

Galoshes McGillicuddy, the Gold-Lusting Whoremouthed Leprechaun of Glories Past : OI HOI, Swindle! I NEED DAT GOLD, N*****!!!

OS: You've been spending too much time in Alabama, Galoshes. What's up?

Galoshes: Fuck yo' couch! All the gold be in the hands of Saban, and he guards it with a dragon. Burnt me motherfuckin' hands to rare filets, it did!

OS: Those...those need medical attention, Galoshes. What are you doing here?

Galoshes: What I do best, Swindle. Bring ye the down 'n durrty on me old boys, The Foightin' Irish.

OS: (takes out Inserection receipt and old red crayon.) We're listening.

Galoshes: Don't gimme that "we" shit, punk! I NEED DAT GOLD N****!!!

OS: Those hands...is that what that smell is? By the way, I have no gold.

Galoshes: Nevermind me hands! Then fifteen thousand in doubloons then, Swindle, for what ye seek to know...

OS: I will give you a dollar fifty and you will tell me, or I will spray you with Pine-Sol until you leave or die a lemony, horrible death.

Galoshes: Demetrius Jones is the starting quarterback against Georgia Tech, boy-o. You need ask no more. NOW GIMME DAT PAPER OR POP GOES THE WEASEL BITCH!!!

OS: (Sprays Pine-Sol on Galoshes' red, swollen hands. Cries of agony ensue.)

Galoshes: Meant to say: you're welcome, sirrah.

OS: No problem. How'd you find this out?

Galoshes: Oh, I have mah ways with Charlie, ya know.

OS: Say no more. Seriously. I don't want to...

Galoshes: No, really, it's fascinatin', see? First I gets me lucky ball gag...then I--AAAAIIIIGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!

OS: (Sprays Pine-Sol, dials 911.)

One source is here. We confirmed this with Galoshes, who's as good a source as you can imagine.

P.S. And here. Facebook, again!