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JOSEPH PATERNO ARRESTED FOR COKE

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Wait...holy smoking popes. Mike Vick can be found running a Man v. Bear fighting operation in Port-au-Prince and it wouldn't be bigger than Joe Paterno getting arrested for this. We mean...this is it. This is huge. This is the story that flips the enormous turtle the world rests on upside down, thus flipping the whole universe into disarray. Just...just hold yourself while you read this.

Say it ain't so, Joe!

Joseph Paterno, of 1245 Palm Bay Rd., was charged with trafficking cocaine after Palm Bay police spotted something being tossed out of the passenger-side window of a car he was traveling in on Monday, reports show. Paterno is being held on a $50,000 bond at the Brevard County Jail in Sharpes, reports show.

First of all, JoePa's been living a lie. He's actually 23, thus disproving the zombie theory of his longevity and entering a new variable into the equation: the heartbreak of progeria. This means that there might have been several coaches named Joe Paterno, each cloned from the same proto-Joe who died from the disease somewhere around the year 1949...just as the original Joe was getting his first job coaching. (Manhattan Project connection? Hitler's brain? They're all involved, too, but we don't have time for that here.)

Second, Joe's facing a mandatory minimum of three years if found guilty, meaning Penn State must find a new coach as in like, now.

Wow. We're just soaking it all in. This is...what. Joseph Paterno?

Some 23 year-old who's not... So it's not...and he's not the coach of...

FAAAAAAAHCK! We mean: oopsie! Thank God we haven't posted this yet. Whew! Would that be embarrassing! HA-ha. Wearing the shiny slacks of failure, now that's what that would be!

(HT: Mike and Run Up The Score.)