Blogtoberfest: What happens when Nigella Lawson making triple chocolate brownies in tight sweaters distracts you from...whatever the hell it was you were doing, which doesn't really matter all that...much...anyway, right?
Houston Nutt: still crazier than sack of rabid weasels.
Wally Hall of the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette writes a column. (HT: Will Collier.)
This column appears in single sentences, and not whole.
Paragraphs.
Like a lot of columnists.
Like to do.
Column says Nutt blames the media for his troubles, including some hyperventilation over Arkansas' ninth-ranked recruiting class in the SEC. Nutt then calls in to a local talk show where
Wally Hall.
Is.
Making.
An appearance.
Nutt, disarmed by the host's frequent use of the intimate "Houston Dale," feels comfortable enough to rail on the air about how underhanded and inaccurate Hall's column is, though never mentioning its punctuation or structure, its most damning traits, really.
The reference to "Houston Dale" is something people born in the South will do whenever seeking a certain amount of comfort or intimacy with someone, digging for the middle name to imply familiarity. We even do it, like when we warn our buddy, as in "Phillip Michael Thomas, put down our fucking cognac!" That guy's crazy! If we do it, everyone else must be, too, since fundamentally we're as Southern as proper nutrition, David Schwimmer, or civil rights.
In conclusion, though, remember: Houston Nutt is crazier than a sack of rabid weasels.
Your pointing makes us uncomfortable, sir.
Les Fuckin' Miles has something to fuckin' say, assholes. Imagining squeaky Les Miles cursing at all is funny; in fact, to us it's much like imagining a Muppet Baby hotwiring your car, or picturing a Snork selling their body for meth money. However, it happens, and usually over rubber chicken dinners:
"We're looking forward to playing Florida," Miles said, his voice gaining momentum and volume. "We're looking forward to playing Auburn. But we have a new rival in (expletive deleted) Alabama."
The last line -- a clear reference to Saban's presence in Tuscaloosa -- drew a standing ovation from the crowd.
We bet you two American dollars that profanity is either "goddamn" or "fuckin'", with our heart leaning toward "fuckin'." That would make Les Miles so much harder than we thought he was, and also validate his ever-suspect choices in headgear.
Reggie Bush Thinks Your Petty Rules Are For Mortals Who Cannot Outrun A Diet Pepsi Machine. Again. Reggie Bush may have contacted signing day's number one attraction, Joe McKnight, during the recruiting process, a clear violation of NCAA regulations. No response from college football's version of the League of Nations yet.
Following Bush's advice, however, McKnight took free uniforms and tuition money from USC before switching his allegiances and signing with LSU this afternoon. "Gotta make the most of your opportunities," said McKnight. Les Miles also chimed in by noting that the event was "totally fuckin' awesome."
Randy Newman concurs. Urban Meyer dares to suggest Florida's academics are superior to LSU's during the recruiting process. As pointed out by numerous commenters, Randy Newman was on this a long, long time ago in the song "Rednecks:"
We got no-necked oilmen from Texas
And good ol' boys from Tennessee
And colleges men from LSU
Went in dumb. Come out dumb too
Randy Newman's pimp hand is strong and you're wearing leopard print tights and standing on the corner in a snowstorm to appease him, objecting or dissenting reader. Argue with the man who wrote the soundtrack to Toy Story? That's how lawyas get killed, son.
Got child molesta glasses and he still stay fly: Randy "ReddBonz" Newman.
Anyone got any white-out? Jerimy Finch's national signing day letter is posted at the MZone. In case you wondered how a recruit as mercurial and indecisive as Finch managed to change his mind so many times, Yost et. al have the simple answer: he was signing each time in pencil.
Bret Bielema, EDSBS man of the year, is buying the drinks tonight. We support this move strictly because he stuck his smartass thumb in the eye of rule 3-2-5-e this year by onsideing away the last dregs of the first quarter: Bret Bielema receives a five year contract extension at Wisconsin. He'll need a few thousand of it for testicle warmers alone: the low tonight in Madtown will scrape three degrees below zero Fahrenheit.
Yes, you may use a sample of my brain tissue for your recipe, pretty lady. Nigella Lawson has liberal attitudes toward sexual morality. We'll let Les Miles comment for us: "Fuckin' awesome. She's so fuckin' hot. Just fuckin' awesome."
Let Urban be praised. Enjoy your weekend.
Holy smoking hell: English Muffin Nigella Lawson.
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