Texas backup qb Jevan Snead was abducted last night from the parking lot of his apartment in Austin, Texas. Witness describe him being swooped up into the arms of a huge man and stuffed into a sack. The man was described as being "kind of like Solomon Grundy, but scarier," with coal black hair, "fiery, demented eyes," and a voice that shattered the glass in the windows of nearby cars.
Police only have this note as a clue, left behind by the superhuman abductor:
HOOOOOOWWEEEEEE!!! DAaaeeOrgeron heaheapahappy this ayem. Heeeagothisself abraaandnew kwatahbackah bahdanamuh JEVAN SNEAD. Datdehbowah kenstraightout trow dehbaw. KENRUNTOOHAHAHAWW!!!! WOOOOHHHHOOOOOWWEEEE!
Hetryandran fromdehOrgeron, hoowee! Breakahsweatt didwe, buttah chasehimmadown, stuffa datdehbloochippah indasack, andarunalldehwayeebackahtoOxford withahmah Jevan. Ahloveahdemownin' workouts hawhawHAW!!!
Orgerongonnalaylowindembayous formonthatwoo tildepopo layoffalookin formahnewqb. Dendey thinkheedeadorsomething, thenchangeathename anddagettanew birfcertficutaforhim frommaMexico. Ah alreadaygottanewnamahforhim: TED SCORGERON!!! Yougettit? Huh? HAWHAWHAW!!!
The abductor looks something like this, according to a sketch artist. This may be his website, say investigators.