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REASONS MICHIGAN SHOULD BE HAPPY

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10. Current BCS fiasco has created a previously impossible scenario: Michigan fans actively pulling for Ohio State. Coming soon: Hutus for Tutsis, matter colliding happily with antimatter, and dogs living with cats.

9. Outrageous and indefensible voting in human polls only further presses point of eliminating humans from the process altogether. Michigan again doubles funding for Robot Overlord Construction Program in hope of making BCS and weak, fleshy humans obsolete. Lloyd Carr's brain wants a comfy jar in a robot.


It's on the way, Lloyd. Weak, fleshy human voters...

8. Hypothetical contrasts highlight UM erudition in flattering way. Pissed-off, highly literate Michigan fans likely to only leave 10,000 word retorts in little read tweedy rags like The New Republic and The New York Times. Ohio State fans, if in same situation, would leave flaming bags of poo on Gator doorsteps.

7. Song Girls will cheer even when you score, Wolverines.

6. Michigan will escape discomfort of dumping Gary Danielson. He's already, calling, texting, wanting to cuddle and shit...and we just hooked up one night, man. Like, giving us a rash already, dude.

5. PR move by SEC in scheduling to be countered in '07 with promotional spot airing immediately after SEC game. Spot will feature Michigan football team crushing rocks with bare hands, making deft catches of cute infants thrown from tall buildings by evil, mustachioed madmen, and disarming ticking bombs seconds before detonation. Soundtrack: Live To Win, by Paul Stanley.

4. Spared soul-wrenching second loss in a year to Buckeyes? (Too soon?)

3. Allowed to satisfy evil quotient for year by rooting against Pete Carroll, noted humanitarian.

2. Will thrill to Florida returning to the site of the program's biggest, most humiliating, excruciating, and total loss ever, the 6227-24 loss to Nebraska in the 1996 Fiesta Bowl. Former Florida wideout Chris Doering is actually still stuck in the turf of the stadium, having been blocked into the ground by Michael Booker in the late third quarter of the fiasco. He serves as groundskeeping consultant and pens childrens' books on his laptop under an umbrella the crew puts out for him somewhere around the 32 yard line.


Eyeballs...scorching...

And the number one reason Michigan fans should be happy they're not in the national title game...

1. Michigan fans will be spared hallucinations caused by staring directly at Barry Alvarez's tie, who will be calling the title game along with Thom Brennaman and Charles Smith in the booth. Will also be spared Brennaman's "Troy Smith takes off...the ten...the five...SAFE! The ref says he's SAFE!"