As of midnight, the clock wound down and the scoring closed on the Fulmer Cup 2006 competition with the advent of today, Football Christmas.
And for Football Christmas, Swindle Claus has a magnificent gift for the Marshall Thundering Herd: The Fulmer Cup, given to the university whose football team goes furthest in felonious behavior, maxes out their misdemeanors, and generally makes The Program look like an airbrushed, idyllic vision of college footballdom with their behavior. Way to BRING DOWN THE WHAMMY on the award, boys. The final scoring:
Final notes and honorable mentions:
--No one in the whole state of West Virginia can decide whether or not to charge Geramy Rodamer with anything in an incident outside a bar in Huntington; he was charged, then he wasn't, then he was...at last account he was, so Marshall's total remains steady at a conservative estimate of 15 points. Even if he wasn't charged, however, Marshall's total easily surpasses that of fellow 1-A rival Purdue, who rode a formidable 12 point lead deep into the competition after racking up points early in the comp.
--Delaware gets the special award for distinction by a 1-AA program and the award for single incident damage with its Scarface-esque home invasion incident. Four players reinvented the concept of team unity by breaking into a fellow Blue Hen's house and robbing him of steroids, cash, other drugs, and pretty much anything else he had. Though we'd like to stress that the Fulmer Cup competition includes only D-1 teams, Delaware made a ferocious case for small-time programs doing big-time business of their own in the race.
--Florida got six points for Kenneth Tookes discharging an AR-15 in an apartment complex and for Avery Atkins beating up the mother of his child. So that's our beloved school saddled with an abuse charge and a reckless endangerment charge involving a barely legal assault rifle. That is all.
--The finest individual crime on the comedy scale? An easy question with an easier answer: TurdGate.
--Finally, the real champion here: Ellis T. Jones, the former San Jose State player who allegedly enticed bargain hunters on Craigslist to an apartment complex where he would taser them, rob them, and in one incident, put them in a trunk without their permission. The final tally in the incidents came to 31 points that couldn't possibly be saddled on a single program alone. Therefore Ellis T. Jones will receive the first annual Ellis T. Jones Award for individual accomplishment in felony and mayhem. Congratulations, Ellis.
--A final note of thanks to board administrator Big Mike, whose enormous penis once inspired John Holmes to put on a sundress and invite all his lady friends to the cutest tea party your little heart's ever seen. (As part of our contractual obligations to Mike, we're forced to write complimentary things about him.) Mike's been the principal interpreter of our hairbrained scoring codes and judgements, and for that alone we owe him an IV of daquiris. ("So cold going in the vein...so warm in my heart!") Fine job, Mike. We'll unchain you from the radiator as soon as you show us the respect we deserve, but still, good job and all.
Again, congratulations Marshall. For the next five months, you're tasting victory no matter what happens on the gridiron. Say it with us: