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DAN HAWKINS WELLNESS CHALLENGE

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Dan Hawkins--that's likeability. He makes commercials about big men handling babies properly. He quotes Yoda and books about Zen Archery. He does all those "activities with purpose," like jumping out of planes on his birthday, running with the bulls, and teaching marmosets how to read. He also looks like an enormous angry toddler on the sidelines, so he's got that going for him. Which is nice.


The Anti-Barnett: likeable. Which is nice.

Hawkins adds to the pile of West Coast, spiritual-seeker, New Age likeability by putting forth his boldest suggestion yet: that coaches maintain some semblance of a healthy life. Hawkins has instituted a "wellness challenge" for his coaches, using a points system to reward coaches for positive behaviors. Cut, paste, read:

In Hawkins' scoring system, points are awarded for weight lifting, cardiovascular work, proper diet, weight loss/weight gain. A lunch-hour workout time is built into the staff's daily schedule, and even getting eight hours of sleep a night scores points.

Preposterous, we say! This goes against the fabric of all that is college football, unless you care to count Steve Spurrier's "casual" business ethic as the exception. (Spurrier is famous for, of all things, actually working fifty hours in a week before the Sugar Bowl in 1997, equivalent to the total number of hours Nick Saban scheduled for scowling and watching film alone.) Coaches, especially

We propose the EDSBS "Snyder Scale," named after Bill Snyder, the KSU coach famous for working his assistants so hard the highway patrol often came to the office with missing persons reports bearing the names fo the coaching staff. Points are awarded and deducted thusly:

--Minus one point for each hour of sleep you get a night.

--Plus five for each meal eaten out of a carton or box.

--Plus one for each 8 oz. coffee consumed during day.

--One point for each pound gained during season.

--Ten points for drunken, lonely rogering of lonely physical therapy student on desk in full view of fellow assistants and staff.

--Five points for jabbering, sleep-deprived tirade about players' lack of effort and heart. Twenty points for delivering it not to players on the field, but to stunned students in an introductory biology class at 10:30 in the morning.

--Minus five points for remembering wife's name.

--Minus five for remembering children's name.

--Minus ten if wife or kids remember your name.

--Ten points if you consider Rodolfo, the janitorial assistant who cleans out the garbage at two a.m., your "closest friend and confidant." Add another ten if this man does not speak English and is not named Rodolfo. Add a hundred if this man does not exist and is a hallucination brought on by fatigue and overuse of stimulants.


Snyder: the epitome of the Un-Wellness Challenge.