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BUCKEYES TO WEAR SURPLUS BADGER UNIS. WOODY HAYES PUNCHES WAY OUT OF GRAVE IN OUTRAGE, DEMANDS COFFEE.

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As our headline announces, Woody Hayes' reanimated corpse is wandering the Buckeye state at this instant demanding brains, a decent cup of coffee, and Jim Tressel's address after seeing the news that Ohio State--dancing to Phil Knight's demands for new product, classic logos be damned--will be wearing something resembling a marriage between some toss-off Wisconsin jerseys and the New Mexico Lobos' pants this fall.

We hope Woody's brain-crazed quest to stop this before it happens succeeds, if only to provide a definitive statement of just how jankety most of Nike's "synervations" look when put on athletes moving at top speed through the honest glare of daylight. To give distraught Ohio State fans some solace, it beats Cheatypants' first suggestion for new unis:

Tressel's first suggestion fell predictably flat.