New Mexico's suggested entry into the rapidly metastasizing tumor that is the bowl system boggles even our addled imagination: the Chile Bowl, set to bubble onto the scene sometime before Christmas of last year. The bowl seems innocuous enough, but our sources tell us some disturbing details that may reveal the Chile Bowl to be anything but the innocuous matchup between two 6-5 teams it appears to be.
First of all, we have to ask: why honor the world's skinniest country with a bowl game? There' s plenty of other countries worthier of praise. Which ones, you ask?
1. Samoa: possessed with an endless supply of short legged, massive lineman who come to this country to play football and confuse television announcers with their vowel-heavy names. Obviously in need of its own bowl, as recognized by Digital Underground's Humpty Hump in "The Humpty Dance." Also possesses instant sponsorship tie-in with gooey, aorta destroying Girl Scout cookies.
2. Mexico. You'd think this would have been the first concept for a bowl game in New Mexico. Then again, perhaps they felt threatened by their ages-old rivalry for who will claim the title of "the world's best Mexico," and didn't want to invite Mexican sabotage of their marquee event. ("Mexican Sabotage"...it just sounds like a shot you had on your 21st birthday, shortly before telling the cop to fuck off...and realizing you were in fact berating a Wachovia ATM in front of disturbed onlookers.)
Secretly plotting their empire...one bowl game at a time.
But that's not the intent of this game, is it, amigo? No, far from trying to honor the college game, the "Chile Bowl" is actually a thinly veiled attempt at South American cultural hegemony, with the bowl game serving as a Trojan Horse for an endless haltime show hosted by Don Francisco, dinners that don't even start 'til 9 at night, and making sudden turns in choked traffic without ever using your signals. And who's bankrolling the whole thing? Subcommandante Mickey, that's who, via ESPN's $2 million dollar credit line extended to the bowl.
Stop them from retaking the American Southwest one pre-Christmas bowl game at a time! Resist Disney's plan to extend Chilean hegemony overall of the Western United States! Refuse to indulge in their tasty and inexpensive red wines! First this...then the Chavez bowl...then the world...