TIM TEBOW UNVEILS NEW THROWING MOTION

GAINESVILLE, FL: SCOUTS ASSEMBLE at Florida's pro day. Tim Tebow stands at the twenty yard line surrounded by cameras. A PR flack walks forward. 

PR flack: Everyone, we're happy to have you here today, and can't wait to show you Tim Tebow's new throwing motion. We're sure you'll be thrilled with it. He's been working very hard on it. 

Scout one: When do we get to see this new throwing motion? We haven't got all day. 

PR flack: I'm sure you have busy schedules, but we must first remind you of the rebranding we have here. When writing about Tebow's new throwing motion, we're asking you to call it "Seraphim's Bullwhip." 

Slience. Confused faces. 

Scout two: What the hell is a Sara Phim? 

Journalist one: Didn't he play point guard for St. John's in the '80s? 

Todd McShay: I'm going to hate him no matter what you say. 

PR Flack: Gentlemen, please. Tim will demonstrate the motion for you now. I'm warning you: don't hold anything, because your hands might go slack with shock. 

Todd McShay: /picks up a priceless crystal vase and a hand grenade with the pin pulled

PR Flack: Now Tim, if you'll show us your old throwing motion, please. 

Tebow winds up and throws. 

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Scout one: Guh!

Scout two: /throws up

Todd McShay: /slaps Tebow, throws up, dabs mouth with ESPN handkerchief. 

Tebow: I forgive you. 

PR Flack: Okay, please, gentlemen. That was the old throwing motion. Now, we unveil...SERAPHIM'S BULLWHIP! 

Tim Tebow bows his head and says a prayer. Then, he throws. 

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Scout one: HOLY SHIT! 

Journalist one: MY GOD! 

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Firefighter: OMG FORGET THIS MASSIVE AND IRONIC FIRE LOOK AT THAT! 

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Bear: Damn, look at Tebow throwin' fire. 

Bear 2: We interruptin' doin' thangs just to stand back and watch that majesty. 

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Football: I AM ON FIRE AND TRAVELLING AT UNSAFE SPEEDS TOWARDS A DRY TINDERBOX OF A FOREST THOUSANDS OF MILES AWAY SORRY FOREST AND THE THINGS THAT LIVE IN IT

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Adorable creatures of Montana forest now on fire: Thanks, Tim. /wanking motion with hooves

PR Flack smiles. Scouts and journalists look at their stopwatches. 

Scout two: I have a tenth of a second improvement on his release time. 

Todd McShay: At best. I hate you even more than I did before, Tim Tebow.  

Brandon Spikes takes ten seconds to run the thirty feet between him and Todd McShay at full speed, and gouges McShay's eyes out. 

Todd McShay: THAT STINGS, BRANDON SPIKES, BUT MY PAIN WON'T MAKE YOU ANY LESS SLOW. 

PR Flack: Remember! That's "Seraphim's Bullwhip!" Here's a card for it, and remember: all proceeds from "Seraphim's Bullwhip" go toward the Tebow Ministries' Home for Wayward Filipinas in Manila. 

Rex Grossman, hundreds of miles away in Washington, DC, is suddenly very interested in mission work in the Philippines. 

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