TIM TEBOW UNVEILS NEW THROWING MOTION
by Spencer Hall on Mar 17, 2010 11:45 AM EDT
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PrintGAINESVILLE, FL: SCOUTS ASSEMBLE at Florida's pro day. Tim Tebow stands at the twenty yard line surrounded by cameras. A PR flack walks forward.
PR flack: Everyone, we're happy to have you here today, and can't wait to show you Tim Tebow's new throwing motion. We're sure you'll be thrilled with it. He's been working very hard on it.
Scout one: When do we get to see this new throwing motion? We haven't got all day.
PR flack: I'm sure you have busy schedules, but we must first remind you of the rebranding we have here. When writing about Tebow's new throwing motion, we're asking you to call it "Seraphim's Bullwhip."
Slience. Confused faces.
Scout two: What the hell is a Sara Phim?
Journalist one: Didn't he play point guard for St. John's in the '80s?
Todd McShay: I'm going to hate him no matter what you say.
PR Flack: Gentlemen, please. Tim will demonstrate the motion for you now. I'm warning you: don't hold anything, because your hands might go slack with shock.
Todd McShay: /picks up a priceless crystal vase and a hand grenade with the pin pulled
PR Flack: Now Tim, if you'll show us your old throwing motion, please.
Tebow winds up and throws.
Scout one: Guh!
Scout two: /throws up
Todd McShay: /slaps Tebow, throws up, dabs mouth with ESPN handkerchief.
Tebow: I forgive you.
PR Flack: Okay, please, gentlemen. That was the old throwing motion. Now, we unveil...SERAPHIM'S BULLWHIP!
Tim Tebow bows his head and says a prayer. Then, he throws.
Scout one: HOLY SHIT!
Journalist one: MY GOD!
Firefighter: OMG FORGET THIS MASSIVE AND IRONIC FIRE LOOK AT THAT!
Bear: Damn, look at Tebow throwin' fire.
Bear 2: We interruptin' doin' thangs just to stand back and watch that majesty.
Football: I AM ON FIRE AND TRAVELLING AT UNSAFE SPEEDS TOWARDS A DRY TINDERBOX OF A FOREST THOUSANDS OF MILES AWAY SORRY FOREST AND THE THINGS THAT LIVE IN IT
Adorable creatures of Montana forest now on fire: Thanks, Tim. /wanking motion with hooves
PR Flack smiles. Scouts and journalists look at their stopwatches.
Scout two: I have a tenth of a second improvement on his release time.
Todd McShay: At best. I hate you even more than I did before, Tim Tebow.
Brandon Spikes takes ten seconds to run the thirty feet between him and Todd McShay at full speed, and gouges McShay's eyes out.
Todd McShay: THAT STINGS, BRANDON SPIKES, BUT MY PAIN WON'T MAKE YOU ANY LESS SLOW.
PR Flack: Remember! That's "Seraphim's Bullwhip!" Here's a card for it, and remember: all proceeds from "Seraphim's Bullwhip" go toward the Tebow Ministries' Home for Wayward Filipinas in Manila.
Rex Grossman, hundreds of miles away in Washington, DC, is suddenly very interested in mission work in the Philippines.
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Tebow Ministries' Home for Wayward Filipinas in Manila
Wayward Filipinas don’t need your round-eye charity. They gettin’ plenty o’ wank as it is.
"I like the taste of danger most of all." - Jonatha Brooke
Screw Grossman
I’m suddenly very interested in mission work in the Philippines. I’d like to help them with road building. Specifically, I’d like to blacktop many wayward Filipinas.
That last picture of the forest fire looks familiar. Must have seen it before in my Internet travels.
Todd McShay: At best. I hate you even more than I did before, Tim Tebow.
Why full of hate, Todd?
Randy Hahn: "I’ve been referred to as a playa…"
Like Sauron, Todd McShay is filled with an all-consuming hatred for all life on Middle-Earth.
He also thinks that Gandalf has a weak arm and poor leadership skills.
Brian Kelly says no Burger King at 3 AM.
by Ancient Chinese Secret on Mar 17, 2010 1:54 PM EDT up reply actions
He’s also pissed that he had the Balrog first on his board – his measurables were great, and he killed at the Combine, but then he got drafted by the Raiders…
A 50-foot fire-demon of the underworld does not make a good franchise quarterback.
Even if he can throw the ball 80 yards from his knees.
Brian Kelly says no Burger King at 3 AM.
by Ancient Chinese Secret on Mar 17, 2010 4:56 PM EDT up reply actions
please note flaming football has left handed spin on it.
it’s the details….
Eat what the monkey eats, then eat the monkey. -U.S. Navy survival guidance
Also Rebranded
That’s the Flaming Football of Justice® for the smiting of infidels.
Caution: Contents are Hot.
All Flames are 100 percent Holy in origin and should not be confused with individuals found on Project Runway.
Damn you edsbs
Put down the guinness and stop your pre-2pm revelry for just long enough to vote for Lane Kiffin. His lead has been cut into substantially (down from 73% to 58%).
Then, of course, resume your carousing.
Mr, Swindle
I gotta ask—do you actually own the Big Bear album or is did you come across the album cover the same way I did, by googling “Rap Album Covers”? At any rate, I admire your taste in fine album cover artwork. Clearly a classic.
Strangely
McShay was gushing (by his standards) over Tebow on Sports Center this evening. Must have been the flaming football of holy death. It’s the only explanation I have (that doesn’t, you know, concede any sort of intelligence or fairness to McShay).
"In case you're wondering what the offense should look like, that wasn't it." - Urban Meyer
XD
Lifelong Arizona Cardinals/Chicago Bears fan.
I can't stand fair-weather/bandwagon fans, stick with your team, throughout the good and the bad.
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