YOU CAN'T SPELL SCAM WITHOUT "TODD MCSHAY"
by Spencer Hall on Mar 1, 2010 4:44 PM EST
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Lay off Kiper: the man made his hustle all by his lonesome, essentially blogging in handy analog form well before anyone else bothered to think of the NFL Draft as an event. He's just as full of shit as almost anyone guessing who will project out into the NFL as a solid talent worthy of your millions, NFL owners, but he happens to know the specifics making up that shit as well as one possibly could. He also made up the word "strinth," a term indicating the combination of "football power" and "I am a prospect being discussed by Mel Kiper, pasty basement bat who sees the sun three times a year."
Almost everyone else involved in the draft business can eat a dick, however. That's an established culinary/metaphorical trope, btw. Step one: make mashed potatoes. Two: shape into dick. Three, serve to person who is completely full of shit. In case you doubt you need to make a potato dick and serve it to someone, just watch the NFL combine for a while and you'll start to get the idea. You'll be plating up a potato-penis in no time at all.
We wanted to make one yesterday for Marshall Faulk, who trotted out the "Urban Meyer doesn't prepare quarterbacks for the pros" trope one more time this weekend, complaining that the Florida coaches never changed The Frittata, Tebow's looping, deliciously eggy throwing motion.
Charles Davis and Mike Mayock quickly shot this down, mentioning that not only had Meyer produced a number one draft pick in Alex Smith, but that he was, yes, still playing in the NFL and starting games. Faulk, in response, said "we'll see."
The horrifying fact underlying any and all predictions in this guessing market: success is largely random. Of the NFL's top ten passers, consider the brilliant gurus who "prepared" them for the NFL:
- Peyton Manning (David Cutcliffe, who had the fortune of working with two Mannings)
- Drew Brees (Joe Tiller. Diabeetus.)
- Kurt Warner (Northern Iowa. Yeah. Northern. Iowa.)
- Brett Favre (Curly Hallman. LSU Fans just DIED ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?)
- Mark Sanchez (Steve Sarkisian. Okay, decent point here, but USC usually gets five star qb talent.)
- Tony Romo (Sal EasternIllinois-avich. Okay, we have no idea who his head coach at EIU was, but the point stands: dude was from nowhere.)
- Aaron Rodgers (Jeff Tedford, pre-spread offense triflin')
- Donovan McNabb (Paul Pasqualoni, who also produced NFL legend Troy Nunes.)
- Joe Flacco (THE MAN WAS A BLUE HEN, DAMMIT)
The notion of (cue Jon Gruden's voice) THIS GUY REALLY PREPARING YOU FOR THE LEAGUE is insane. The best prerequisites for success in the NFL are having a huge arm, accuracy, and being put in a good situation with 21 other starters who know what they're doing and who accept millions of dollars without letting it affect their ability to play a game for a living. It's a crapshoot past the "was a D-1 starter" and "hit the genetic lottery." The rest is asking what kind of underwear they don on gameday and accusing them of being unfocused because they dared to be a Rhodes Scholar.
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A little more hair gel
And McShay would look ready for the lesbian bowling league
Fumbles. It was always Fumbles
That league is called the LPBA
Although those chicks are winning major mens’ tournaments now so they don’t need a league of their own, per se.
by HoodRiverDuck on Mar 1, 2010 5:10 PM EST up reply actions
When you think of all the things Tom Brady has accomplished in the NFL
do you ever hear anyone say, “Thank God Lloyd Carr taught him that.”
January 7th, 2010: the day I went from being a delusional obnoxious Alabama fan to being an obnoxious Alabama fan
by Wallacewade04 on Mar 1, 2010 5:12 PM EST reply actions 1 recs
My concern for the NFL Draft is
I check to see if anyone from my alma mater got picked. Other than that, it’s a whole bunch of obsessing over minutia that I don’t get paid to obsess over.
"I like the taste of danger most of all." - Jonatha Brooke
I do the same thing
Of course, that just means I only have to tune in during the last 10 minutes of Round 7 to see that “nope, no one from Georgetown taken this year (again, for the eleventy-billionth consecutive season)”
I ate the blue ones ... they taste like burning.
I wish Sam Jackson did draft analysis....
“Check out the big brain on Myron!!”
by ESS EEE SEE Speed on Mar 1, 2010 5:22 PM EST reply actions
Never forget, this QB guru was responsible for Philip Rivers:
Brian Kelly says no Burger King at 3 AM.
by Ancient Chinese Secret on Mar 1, 2010 5:25 PM EST reply actions
AND
That Ron Prince was the football god that developed starter Josh Freeman for my Tampa Bay Bucs.
/slitswrists
Team Speed Kills
SBNation's SEC Blog
I would have chosen a word other than "developed"
“Pissed away”, perhaps.
by Jamie DeVriend on Mar 1, 2010 7:23 PM EST up reply actions
You also can't spell
SHODDY without Todd McShay. Just sayin’.
by ESS EEE SEE Speed on Mar 1, 2010 5:27 PM EST reply actions 1 recs
Also, “shat.”
All the good parts of our fight song were taken.
by ToStirItRound on Mar 1, 2010 11:09 PM EST up reply actions
The years of unspeakable darkness.
Please have a heart and don’t ever speak the name you wrote next to Brett Favre ever again. Please! I’ll beg if I have to, but you’ve gone to far.
Generally agree . . .
. . . but the one other attribute all the great QBs have is the ability to approach the huddle in any game situation “with the serene confidence which a Christian feels in four aces” (to quote Twain).
BTW, I’m not sure where you grabbed your top ten, but Tom Brady (Lloyd Carr ???!!!) and Ben Roethlisberger (Terry Hoeppner — whom most folks only heard of after he developed cancer) also prove your point.
Todd McShay looks like Jimmy Clausen
without the blond highlights.
Which means, he looks like he’s ready to head to the Blue Oyster Bar and get a turd jam working with some hairy dude.
Police Academy FTW
Plus, in South Bend there really is a place called Oyster Bar just a short walk from where Jimmah got his clock cleaned this past fall.
Brian Kelly says no Burger King at 3 AM.
by Ancient Chinese Secret on Mar 1, 2010 7:40 PM EST up reply actions
Preparipedia...Gurupedia?
Kurt Warner (Terry Allen, at the aforementioned Northern Iowa)
Opinion on Terry Allen’s tenure as head coach at Kansas ranges from “worse than Bob Valesente” to “every bit as bad as Bob Valesente”
How shitty Meyer has won with his piss poor coaching and garbage QB’s against the awesomeness that is Jamarcus Russell and Matthew Stafford is beyond me. There certainly something wrong with the coaching when your quarterback only completes 2/3 of his passes and rarely throws interceptions.
by quickly outdated screen name on Mar 1, 2010 7:35 PM EST reply actions
Pointing out Alex Smith isn't a good thing
Yes he is still in the NFL and so is J Russell and neither one of them is worth a damn. Ok maybe Smith is there now, but it took a long time. Fact is he was never worth a first round pick. However it’s lucky he was since he would have been cut long ago otherwise. If you are picked high enough, they have to keep you around whether you work out or not.
it's predictable but fun
I have no idea why Spencer lets the NFL dudes get to him. But it’s good for a giggle every now and then. Every man’s pain is. Otherwise, Spencer wouldn’t bring up He Who Shall Not Be Named and watch us spasm in agony.
Rules to live by:
Never bet for a QB with a losing record to Reggie Ball:
Phillip Rivers
Jason Campbell
Jay Cutler
Yes. There are 3 2009 NFL Starting QB’s sporting losing records to Reggie Ball. The universe is a strange and wonderful place.
The problem is saturation
Commentary like what you hear on the NFL Network, ESPN, and their ilk is due to the fact that they all have to fill 10-15 hours of “new” “content” each day. There are only so many times a story line can go around echo chamber before it all sounds like a muddled mess.
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me rather than a frontal lobotomy. - Waits
Lest we forget
Flacco escaped from the Wannastache to BlueHenville after 2 years
Someone from New England is missing from the “top 10” passers. I’ll take him over all but Peyton, Brees & a younger Farve. But Lloyd Carr? Double uuuuggghhhh.
possibly the funniest post I've read
Thanks Spencer Hall
Potatoe Dicks hahaha
bring Dawk & Westy home
Never forget...
All these machinations to feed talent to a league where PAUL HACKETT, MIKE SHULA and BRUCE ARIANS have jobs. Coaching offense. Seriously. That is all.
I know I'm a total homer, but
Trindon Holliday should just perform at combines for a living. 4.34 40, 42 in vertical and 9’8" long jump, 10 bench reps – he is 5’5" 160 for goodness sakes. With his cadence, if he was 4 inches taller, he would break the sound barrier (and still be a track guy who can get under a kickoff rather than a straight up now tell me football player).
Stop the presses!
Joe Haden ran a 4.6 40 at the combine. This means he immediately sucks and can’t play corner.
by ESS EEE SEE Speed on Mar 2, 2010 11:29 AM EST reply actions
How can you not know?
Tony Romo comes to you courtesy of Bob Spoo. With Bobbuh Bowden getting the heave-ho out of Tallahassee, Spoo is the only remaining contemporary of JoePa’s left in Div 1 college football. Orson, a college football genuis of your lofty calibre just has to know that.
It escapes me...
…that is, the reason it’s so terrible to be the next Dallas Clark?
not drunk, just overserved
by Gen. Stoopnagle on Mar 2, 2010 12:26 PM EST reply actions
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