THE CURIOUS INDEX, 2/12/10

This has nothing to do with any of the items discussed below. Watch it anyway. 

YOUR BUTTOCKS ARE IMPUDENTLY JIGGLING 15 YARDS AND CANCELLATION OF SCORE.  The Polish Diet of the 17th and 18th century gave each member of the Diet the right to "explode" the diet, veto power meaning one person's objection could dissolve the entire body. This explains many things, including how the Republic of Poland managed to disappear completely, but it does merit consideration for the NCAA Rules Committee, whose one sensible member could prevent the endless bleaching of the game of any color whatsoever by voting for its own dismissal and destruction.   

This year's inanity: penalizing players 15 yards and canceling scores for in-play taunting, meaning you can no longer high-step, shimmy, sashay, jiggle your buttocks impudently, run in an overly upright manner, carry the ball in a sassy hold, or do anything resembling "show 'em your tail lights, son." Mike Bellotti, former Oregon coach now dedicated to turning college football players into Tennessee Walking Horses of uniform gait, behavior, and dress, says: 

"Taunting and prolonged individual acts have no place in our game, and our officials have generally handled these rules well," said former Oregon coach Mike Bellotti, the committee chair. "This is just another step in maintaining our game's image and reflecting the ideals of the NCAA overall."

The ideals of doing things for no reason whatsoever, or perhaps of just doing them to small programs. A quick review of common sense: teams write their own checks on the field with their behavior. Outside of injurious or dirty behavior and behavior delaying the game, they determine how things run. The same pin-dicked bastards responsible for whining about running up the score are the same white-gloved goatfuckers who think this is a good idea: namely that you should enforce good behavior from the top-down rather than letting a posturing wideout do his highstep into the endzone, and then jacking him in the chest with a hurtling safety on the next play to ensure he doesn't do that again. 

None of this has anything to do with the actual players playing the game on the field. Teams should control how the game is played on the field, and the referee should be a pleasant afterthought. More rules yield more thinking by officials, and no more so than when they are asked to evaluate the very subjective issue of content. If you think this isn't the bitterest of sports comedies now, wait until you give very white SEC officials the authority to revoke a score based on the behavior of VERY EXCITED 18-22 year old predominantly black football players. His braids were provoking the other team, coach. I had to throw the flag. 

Additional somewhat less terrible proposals:

 -Television monitors will be allowed in the press box coaches' booths beginning in 2011. The home team has responsibility for insuring that coaches' booths for both teams have identical television capability.

-Requiring players who wear "eye black" to use solid black with no words, logos, numbers or other symbols. That will be effective next season.

-Ending the requirement that players' pants always cover the knees.

-Eliminating the intentional "wedge" on kickoffs and punts, a rule the NFL adopted last season.

-Recommending conferences that do not have a pregame warm-up policy use a 10-yard, no-player zone between the 45-yard lines beginning 60 minutes before kickoff.

Our dreams of a radical Muslim who puts verses in Arabic on his eyeblack are forever dashed.  To summarize: The NCAA Rules Committee should explode itself, literally or figuratively, and cut and paste this word 100 times for the extended remix of our opinion on the rule. 

BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT

EXHIBIT A: Doc Saturday opines that this is the No Fun League creeping in, but the point needs to be made that this proposal is far stricter than what the NFL enforces for their players. Tracey Porter's game-clinching INT in the Super Bowl would most likely have come back under the college rules since he dared to point at Saints fans in the stands on the way into the endzone, a kind of gesture NFL players routinely get away with in the course of gameplay. You're out Goodell-ing Goodell at this point, an extreme we didn't think possible until this rule. 

AND SPEAKING OF THINGS THE NCAA SHOULD BE DOING RATHER THAN LEGISLATING SHIMMY: At least attempting to stopteams in the state of Alabama from signing an entire class more over a four year span than other teams? 

3. Do you get the feeling there is a different set of NCAA rules in the state of Alabama than there is in Georgia? Over the last four years, Alabama has signed 11o football players to letters-of-intent. Auburn has signed 119. Over the same period, Georgia has signed 86 and Georgia Tech 79. The difference therein is equal to more than an entire year’s recruiting class.

This is Chip Towers getting in on Brian Cook's stomping grounds, but it comes down to non-qualifying and the unspoken process of running players off who won't/can't compete. Whatever the reasons, it doesn't look good, and that can't be greyshirted or medical redshirted away. Hey, now that Ian Rapaport is gone, someone else needs to stand up and get flayed by Nick Saban's death ray eyes while asking about this. 

CAN YOU TIE THE UCF PROBATION TO LANE KIFFIN? You betcha, yup, most certainly, and indubitably, yes. 

WE KNEW IT. Ohio State recruiting suffered this year for a reason: sex slaves unavailable due to the Feds busting up the fun. 

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