URBAN MEYER IN AN UNDISCLOSED LOCATION

Of all the loose threads still dangling free from the tattered border separating the fabric of the season from the long, bland sheet of the offseason, the status of Urban Meyer has to be the most prominent untended end. Do not forget that he still is on a "leave of absence." The interpretations of this indefinite leave of absence vary wildly, but fall into two camps.

Florida fans: "He'll be back before August, and just needs to take a vacation/relax/smoke a bowl brah and watch some Tim and Eric for a while."

SEC fans not in the set of those counted as Florida fans: "He's gone leave after signin' day and woooo watch me swallow this fish whole!" /chokesonlivefrog

For the record: either is entirely possible probable. After the past four weeks we have no reason to assume that on the day after signing day Urban Meyer will step up, announce on a podium that he's leaving, introduce our new head coach Lane Kiffin, who will then immediately drive off in a leased SUV full of whores, killing himself and all aboard. Then Jim Leavitt will be introduced, announce Mark Mangino as his offensive coordinator, and after a week will abuse and slap themselves out of office. Then, down to our only real results, Florida will announce the pairing of Howard Schnellenberger as the new head coach with Mike Leach as offensive coordinator.

You think we'd enjoy this, but we'd be dead long before this actually happened after throwing ourselves headfirst off the nearest stairwell. The point remains: if you're a big David Hume fan like we are, that robotic coaching sun of ours might not come up after signing day, or after Wednesday, or in five years or whenever. Metaphorical points are awarded to Alabama fans, whose coach destroyed that coaching sun like a rampaging Hockeybear in the Georgia Dome in December.

A midget Saban blowing up planets? That's computer animation we'd watch. And yes, he's short. It's all we have left on him after the SEC Championship Game, and you can't take that away from us. We'd pay good money to watch him knock out a ring full of jockeys in a bareknuckle match and so would you.

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