It’s an exciting time around here. You see, the NFL Draft is approaching, and we’ll get to see some of our favorite college football players moving on to bigger and better things in the top level of their sport. But what’s truly exciting for us is a real expansion in our coverage.
We’ve hired an NFL draft scout.
You see, recently, thanks to
a city bus running over my foot some sound investments and prudent financial decisions, we came into some extra money in the budget. And we thought, this is terrific. We can finally give the people something they can’t get anywhere else: individual player predictions for the NFL Draft!
We conducted an exhaustive search — nothing but the best for our readers. Finally, we found a guy with
“NFL draft analyst” in his Twitter bio impeccable credentials, and we signed him right up.
Only thing was, we’re already pretty late in the process. You see, the NFL Draft begins Thursday night, so there’s not time to scout every school — we’d have to narrow our focus. Pick one school.
And he insisted on profiling UCF. We thought it was a bit of an odd choice — you could go to a traditional power like Alabama, Oklahoma or Ohio State — but figured, you know what? It is time we focus on strong programs in the Group of Five. And who’s been stronger in that group in recent years than UCF? They’ve put players in the NFL, too — future Seahawk Shaquem Griffin, Vikings and Saints running back Latavius Murray, and running NBC sitcom gag Blake Bortles.
We supported his choice and sent him off to Orlando to scout as much as he could in the short time left before the big night. We’re so excited to hear what he has to say, we’re having him call in live from Orlando to report back.
So, what did you find out?
DRAFT SCOUT: Lot of interesting prospects down here. You’ve got some guys with real tools, some real football players. I’ve got concerns about a lot of them, though.
Oh yeah? Let’s hear about a few of them.
Alright, well, take this guy for example.
Handsome fella. Snappy dresser.
Real strapping young lad, this one. He’s got the classic big frame you want to see in the National Football League — he’s built for this. Real pedigree on this one — comes from a strong line. Shown a lot of leadership skills, too. He’s led a whole crew himself. That’s not something just everyone can do. Bit too flashy, but hey, I coulda said that about Joe Namath, amiright?
[squinting] Is that Prince Eric from The Little Mermaid?
What? No. This is a football player.
No, I just watched this movie with my kids last weekend. I think it is.
Listen, let’s move on. I think we should pass on this guy.
Wait, you were just raving about him?
Yeah but he’s dating a sixteen-year-old girl from a [loud whisper] real weird background.
Fine. Who’ve you got next?
Real high on this guy. He’s a high-energy kid. Total gym rat.
Reminds me of a young Wes Welker or Julian Edelman. Real scrappy.
We’ve talked to him about the name, think we’ve got him convinced to go as “Al”. That’ll be more marketable to fans. This kid, though? He knows how to win. Started from nothing and fought his way right up to the top.
Did you just take our money and go to Disney World?
Absolutely not. Anyways, let’s pass on Al. He’s got some unsavory friends. Weird blue guy, strange energy. Might be on drugs. Who’s to know? None of our business. Moving on.
I’d better see some real football players here soon.
Well, get a load of this guy. Built like a mountain, but he’ll put you on an island.
[sighing] Is this gonna be the guy from Moana?
Ha! You guys are jokers. Nah, this guy’s named Maui. Uhhh, Maui Smith.
I guess he is built like a lineman.
Yeah, you’re gonna want to pass on him. Look at all those tattoos. He’s gonna have problems with authority. Real god complex.
I wonder if I can put a stop on the check I sent you.
I have already cashed and spent it. You know UCF has this place where you can drink beers around the world?
No, I’m pretty sure it’s UCF.
I’m very disappointed in you.
What are you, my family? Anyways, I’ve got all these draft ratings ready, do you want them or not?
Sure, we’ve got some space to fill, I guess. What else you got?
Lotta heart, but he just doesn’t have the size for the league. History of injuries. Dead mother.
What? It’s a concern. You know, while we’re on it — lotta dead parents here. It’s kinda scarring, you know? You’re like, hey kids, here’s a fun movie about an animal, oh and by the way, I’m going to die someday.
You’re not wrong, it’s just...
Anyways, this guy’s a fish. You think a fish can play football?
I mean, if Ryan Tannehill’s still in the league, you never know...
Moving on. This guy.
This guy’s an alien being genetically engineered to cause chaos and destruction.
Ah, okay. Any positives?
That is the positive. He’s very high on my draft board. Reminds me of a young Vontaze Burfict. Only reason I’d stay away is the whole “being pursued by an intergalactic federation” thing. You don’t want to get involved in family issues.
Cold doesn’t bother her. Could see her thriving in the NFC North. Has trouble controlling her emotions, family issues, has hurt people before.
Did you just write this entire thing because you’ve had “Let It Go” stuck in your head all day?
Are you breaking the fourth wall? Let’s keep this moving, pal.
Actually a girl in men’s armor. Respect the hustle? But we’re not trying to be one of those “progressive” organizations. Only gets you in trouble.
Real warrior, though.
High motor. All over the field. Tough to coach.
Thinks he’s smarter than everyone. Doesn’t listen to authority. Big family?
Is “big family” a bad thing?
Anything can be a bad thing if you put a question mark after it. Watch. French?
Just looks stupid as hell.
The f**k’s he smiling about? Also, that whole movie was a ripoff of the Michael J. Fox movie Doc Hollywood.
Does that have any bearing on draft stock?
Not really, but you can’t play a car in the NFL anyways.
The Lions did it with Ndamukong Suh for a while.
Yeah, but they’re cracking down because of it. Oh, one more, this guy.
Ah, there’s a classic.
Yeah, a classic draft bust. You’re a NFL GM, and you want to be working the pregame shows in 18 months, go ahead and draft this guy. Nothing but trouble.
What do you mean? People love Simba.
Runs away from his problems. Raised by a meerkat and a warthog? Unusual family situation to say the least, raises some red flags. Dead father? Weird uncle? “No worries” attitude is really concerning. Makes you wonder if we’re looking at a Ricky Williams type. Hung up on environmental issues? We don’t need another activist scenario on our hands this soon after Kaepernick. Weird religion? Don’t know how that whole “ancestors in the sky” crap is gonna play in a locker room. Also, does that weird old monkey follow him everywhere? Hard pass on this guy.
I tell it like it is.
So was there anyone there you actually would draft?
There is one guy.
Oh yeah. There’s no man in town as admired as him. He’s everyone’s favorite guy. Everyone’s awed and inspired by him — and it’s not very hard to see why!
[deep sigh] Why.
No one’s as slick as Gaston, no one’s as quick as Gaston, no one’s neck’s as incredibly thick as Gaston...
You’re not suggesting I draft a guy just because [reading remainder of notes] “he eats five dozen eggs and is roughly the size of a barge”?
Listen, if Josh Allen got drafted in the top ten, this guy can.
He’s never even played football!
Neither had Josh Allen.
This was a mistake.
C’mon, let’s watch some tape.