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THE TRANSFER PORTAL: A USER’S GUIDE

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THE SUPERVISOR NEEDS YOU TO KNOW A FEW THINGS BEFORE WE LET YOU WALK INTO THIS THING

HAVE A PLEASANT EXPERIENCE IN THE PORTAL, TELL NO ONE THE HORRORS YOU DID NOT SEE HERE

Please read the RULES AND PROTOCOLS OF THE TRANSFER PORTAL before entering the Portal. The attached waiver must be signed before entry. TRANSFER PORTAL LLC holds no liability for those entering The Portal, what happens to them, or where they may go.

This includes those who enter The Portal and end up in north Alabama. We told you that could happen. We told you a thousand times that might happen. —THE SUPERVISOR

Remove all jewelry and piercings when stepping into The Portal. Enter nude. This is for safety purposes only.

We want your trip through The Portal to be a safe and pleasant one. If you have a metal plate, pin, or other metallic implants in your body DO NOT ENTER THE PORTAL.

Portal entry with foreign bodies may result in:

a.) subjects being torn to pieces by powerful electromagnetic forces

b.) subjects goes to Rutgers

Dog collars are to be worn at all times prior to portal entry. All non-Supervisor staff must keep their collars on during business hours, as well.

Do not attempt to port over existing haters through the Transfer Portal. New haters will be provided to you on arrival.

In the event existing haters enter The Transfer Portal with you: Alert the CDC and Homeland Security at once. There will be no reason to panic in the event of a hater entering The Portal with you. Alerting the CDC and Homeland Security immediately is strictly a precaution, as is the stage four facility lockdown.

Cyanide pills are available at the discretion of all floor supervisors.

Do not look the Supervisor in the eye unless spoken to. If addressed, do not waver in meeting his unblinking, sensual gaze.

All cash on transfer’s persons will be donated to the Supervisor’s workplace settlement and legal defense fund NCAA’s general pool for student-athlete well-being and outreach.

Remove dog collars before entry into The Portal. These are the personal property of THE SUPERVISOR. Even in the event of your disintegration or disappearance between destinations in The Portal, your families will be charged for them.

The Portal process will initiate with a countdown from ten. Do not attempt to jump the snap count or you may be disintegrated. This has happened. Mostly with defensive linemen, but still.

Once The Portal is open, step inside quickly but without hurrying. Do not hesitate: While transfer times may vary, spending more than three minutes inside is not advised. (See published research on The Forcier Effect and others.) Do not rush it: The Portal rejects those who hurry, sometimes by throwing them thirty feet in the air.

Be selective. Very few have survived multiple transfers. Have an idea of where you are going before you enter, and choose decisively. Do not believe the Gardner Minshew Hoax! He did not exist! Though if he did, he would have gotten nude in the lab before we even asked. The Supervisor thought that was weird, even by Portal Lab standards.

If you become lost in The Transfer Portal, do not panic. Please follow the emergency signs. They will lead you to Kansas or Kansas State. We can’t be sure which one. You’re the one who got lost in the first place, not us. Deal with it.

Warning: Dan is lost in The Portal. Dan may attempt to sell you essential oils during your portal transit! He also sells books of his poetry. Do not buy either! They both stink, but in different, equally terrible ways.

Do not assist Dan! He is a liar and a thief! The Supervisor will release him from The Portal when he apologizes for stealing office supplies. Those found assisting Dan will be sent to Rutgers.

Warning: The Portal contains bright lights. Finding your destination may be confusing. Many find the distinct smell of a destination helps as much as sight. Should you become disoriented in The Portal: FOLLOW YOUR NOSE!

Schools listed by reported smell:

  • Ohio State: Old car air freshener rubbed on dirty jeans in lieu of actually doing laundry
  • Florida State: Black market cigarettes not sold in the US for thirty years
  • Penn State: Blueberry vape smoke
  • Michigan: That fancy lavender soap your divorced auntie has in her bathroom that you use because you love the smell but would never admit it to anyone especially your bros
  • Texas: Fresh hundred dollar bill stuffed inside a piping hot breakfast taco smell
  • South Carolina: Burning tire
  • LSU: Kerosene, boat smell, gun
  • Alabama: Whatever your deepest emotional memory requires to be the most appealing thing you have ever smelled. Some report it to be like the scent of their grandmother when they were a child, holding them tight and keeping them calm, as if the entire world in that moment was right and could never be wronged. Some report cinnamon rolls. No one reports the aroma of “playing time” but many proceed anyway.
  • Texas A&M: Horse sweat, brisket smoke, conspiracies
  • Notre Dame: Odorless
  • Mississippi State: Truck smell
  • Georgia: Whatever the big smell was in 1980

Exiting The Portal is not easy. Exit speeds may vary, and can reach up to 80 mph. Impact can be violent beyond a reasonable expectation of violent.

To cope with the stresses of portal exit, remember the following tips:

  • approach The Portal surface feet-first in a tucked position
  • be aware of your surroundings on exit
  • look around and determine which way is up, and visually ID dangerous obstacles in the landing path
  • ask bystanders for help finding clothes and your new school

Follow these basic guidelines and you will enjoy a quick and safe exit from the Transfer Portal.

Portal exit has side effects. While the severity of its effects may vary from person to person, most Portal users will likely experience the following:

  • inability to control legs
  • a sense of confusion and lack of awareness of body position in space (ataxia)
  • extremely blurred vision
  • inability to speak clearly or at anything less than a full scream for up to ten minutes post-exit

Portal users may be covered in a fragrant mist on exit. The mist dries to a fine reddish powder. It is probably harmless.

Do not attempt to remove the fine reddish powder with water. If the powder comes into contact with water, call the Centers for Disease Control and Homeland Security immediately. Retreat to a remote area away from towns, populated areas, large power plants, and refineries.

The mist and resulting powder have a strong smell of maple syrup. The smell is irresistible to birds and small woodland mammals. They must feed. Allow them to do so and no harm will come to you or your loved ones.

The Portal will stay open for several seconds after exit. Do not attempt to throw objects back into The Portal! They might exit into the Portal Lab, and hit Lab Tech Jake straight in the beans. Like, every time, for some reason. Pine cones seem to do this more than other things! Definitely do not do it, user!

We hope you have a positive experience in The Transfer Portal!*

*If you do not, signing the attached waiver also triggers an attached non-disclosure agreement prohibiting all Portal users from discussing any of their experiences with The Portal, including and especially any encounters with Thaggaroth the Crystalline Serpent-God. He sleeps because we offer him blood. He will wake when we forget how he hangs like a great sword above the feast table of our short, brutal days.

Remember Thaggaroth! Do not discuss him with the press or online pending pain of litigation from TRANSFER PORTAL LLC. Our lawyers cannot be bought off with blood like the Old Ones. We tried, it just didn’t work at all. —THE SUPERVISOR