A MODEST PROPOSAL TO SOLVE A VEXING PROBLEM

It’s springtime, and life is returning to the world around us. Trees are blooming, songbirds are singing, grills are getting cleaned off and fired up, and people are getting outside and enjoying warmer weather, sunny skies and fresh air.

But a menace also lurks. As we return to the out-of-doors this spring, we must remain constant vigilance in the face of one of the great threats to our collective safety and functioning as a civil society.

These bastards.

Flying north in clean formations after desecrating the parks and public spaces of somewhere further south, their graceful, fluid flight belying the sheer malice in their hearts, they’ll be arriving soon — if they haven’t already. They’re like a badger with wings, a creature of pure hate and ill intention, the vengeful spirit of every Thanksgiving turkey you’ve ever eaten.

We can’t stop them. There’s no wall you can build that can keep out an airborne menace. We can’t kill them — a million more would take their place. We can’t ignore them, unless we want to hide inside, afraid to take a stroll along the riverside, missing out on the joy and natural splendor of the springtime world.

But I have an idea.

A solution.

A modest proposal.

Let geese play college football.

Now, I’m sure you’ve got some questions.

How could we have non-human players in college athletics? Would they count as students? How do you coach a bird? Is this even technically a college football website? Which client can I bill the time I spent reading this article to?

Listen, I know it sounds crazy, but I think this is just the ticket, a win-win scenario. Let’s review some of the advantages and disadvantages to my proposal.

PRO: It gives them an outlet for their aggression.

This is the clearest reason. These winged hatebeasts love to fight, they love to defend, they’re merciless and they fear nothing. Maybe you can’t recruit against Alabama. Their players are always going to be bigger, stronger, faster. But you can combat this with tenacity. Ferocity. Grit. Here, I’ve worked up a simulation:

That goose read the fake field goal immediately.

CON: How are you going to be able to convince a goose to play football? They don’t respect you or anyone else.

I think this is simply a matter of leading them to your stadium. It’s a big open grassy expanse. They’d love ruining that. Once they’re there, the rest just falls into place. Maybe you find a way to get their eggs/young in the end zone you’re defending. You’ll never be scored on again. (You may lose some people in the process, but no successful college football program has ever kept everyone alive.)

PRO: They’re not saving anything for their NFL careers.

This bowl season, a lot of people liked to make noise about players choosing to sit out their teams’ bowl games to protect their draft stock. I can understand the frustration, even if I don’t agree — Nick Bosa’s got his family’s financial future to worry about, and that’s more important than winning a lame-duck Rose Bowl for Urban Meyer.

Did you know that the average lifespan of a Canadian goose is 10-24 years? They’re not saving it for a long career. They’re here to kick ass, take names, shit on the field and die. That’s all any coach can ever ask for.

CON: The flying wedge formation was outlawed in 1984.

Yes, sure, it was. Technically. You think you’re going to see some ACC official tell them they can’t use it? He’ll get pecked to death, and he knows it. You know how sometimes a questionable call goes for the home team, because the refs know that they’ve still got to get out of the stadium safely? The state police aren’t backing you up against geese. They know it. You’re going to get away with using the formation, and no matter how mad Dabo gets about it, they’ll be like “oh no, that was the Elevated Triangle, that’s different, that’s legal.”

If they know what’s good for them.

PRO: Instantly competitive against Big 12 opponents.

1. Can beat Longhorns
2. Violent temper
3. No one’s happy you’re here
4. Weird, honking accent

This is Maryland. You’re the Maryland Terrapins.

CON: This is college football, it’s supposed to be about student-athletes nobly competing for love of the game and love of their university. You’re just hiring a bunch of violent non-human goons to bewilder and injure your opponents in the name of winning. Don’t you think this is selling your soul to the devil? Don’t you think you’ve lost sight of what this sport is actually all about?