Welcome back to Division II Tuesday. So far this season, we’ve profiled the Great American Conference, The Midwest Intercollegiate Athletic Association, and the Rocky Mountain Athletic Conference. And we haven’t gotten any details wrong!
1. Blaster is a burro, not a mule— Mines Athletics (@MinesAthletics) September 23, 2018
2. You can't possibly improve on our actual fight song pic.twitter.com/XRmmxZjeGq
Okay, well, I don’t mind being fact-checked when it’s regarding songs about barrels full of liquor.
Anyways, this week’s conference is a big one, so let’s waste no time diving in: we’re heading to the NSIC! No, it’s not that cop show your dad watches - it’s the Northern Sun Intercollegiate Conference, 16 schools from the frigid reaches of the Upper Midwest.
NOTABLE ALUMNI (AND/OR ATTENDEES, WIKIPEDIA’S UNCLEAR ON WHO FINISHED THEIR DEGREES AND I DON’T CARE IF THEY DID)
Did you know that the Northern Sun is the Hollywood of the Northern Part of Division II? Well let’s look at some of the stars of stage and screen that’ve called their hallowed halls home:
Minot State University - Josh Duhamel
Southwest Minnesota State University - Isiah Whitlock, Jr.
St. Cloud State - Richard Dean Anderson (MacGyver, that is)
Minnesota State Moorhead - Barkhad Abdi
Upper Iowa University - Carl Magee
Carl Magee was an attorney and newspaper editor who joined the Oklahoma City Chamber of Commerce traffic committee in 1933 and, shortly thereafter, was charged with lessening the escalating traffic congestion in the city’s downtown. Local merchants complained that their sales were hurt by low traffic turnover, since parking spaces adjacent to downtown businesses were occupied by the same cars all day. Magee conceived the idea of a coin-operated timer that could be used to increase traffic turnover in busy commercial thoroughfares.
Well, Hollywood needs parking meters, too.
NORTHERN SUN GAME OF THE WEEK, THE WEEK I COVERED THE NORTHERN SUN
In a battle of undefeateds, the Bemidji State Beavers rallied from a halftime deficit to take the #11-ranked Minnesota State-Duluth Bulldogs to overtime, where they eventually fell short in a hard-fought 26-19 game.
NORTHERN SUN PLAYER OF THE WEEK, THE WEEK I COVERED THE NORTHERN SUN
Gabriel Watson, University of Sioux Falls
The junior running back out of California rushed for 140 yards and four touchdowns on only 23 carries Saturday in a 51-13 win over Augustana. Watson leads the conference with an amazing 705 rushing yards in his first four games, and already has 10 touchdowns on the young season.
NOW LET’S RANK SOME MASCOTS
FIRST TIER: WE REALIZED TWENTY MINUTES BEFORE GAMETIME THAT WE NEEDED A LOGO, BUT FORTUNATELY, WE HAVE WINDOWS 95
16. Wayne State Wildcats
I remember once before a critique in college, one of my classmates was sitting on the floor, hurriedly finishing his presentation board. One of our professors strolled up, Tab in hand, and calmly inquired of him, “is this your project?”
[sips Tab] “Well, if you’re gonna go down, you might as well go down in flames.”
Anyways. Just thinking of that.
15. University of Sioux Falls Cougars
See, it’s nice that they have the guy I mentioned above who’s really good at football. If you have guys who are good at football, you don’t need a good logo or color scheme or mascot. This is the premise that underpins Auburn, too.
14. Winona State Warriors
Look, it’s the hackiest of jokes to suggest that you should rebrand as the Winona Riders, but that would still be an improvement.
13. University of Mary Marauders
The only thing keeping them out of the cellar here is the “Boy Named Sue” potential here, and also the three demonstrably worse logos I’ve already listed.
Listen, I want all these schools to know that I love them and support their efforts, but I’d also support them making, y’know, more efforts.
12. Northern State Wolves
[staring at this logo with the exact same expression the logo is staring at me with]
MOVING UP TO THE HUMOROUS ANIMAL TIER
11. Concordia University-St. Paul Golden Bears
This is the logo of a graham cracker snack that I bought for my kids because it was a dollar less per box than the ones with a recognizable cartoon character. It is also technically a communion wafer.
10. University of Minnesota-Crookston Golden Eagles
Ever wondered what the Philadelphia Eagles logo would look like if it’d just told a terrible joke and was waiting for you to react? Well,
GOLDEN EAGLE: What do you call a sick bird of prey?
ME: I don’t want to do this.
GOLDEN EAGLE: An ill-eagle!
GOLDEN EAGLE: EH? EH? YOU GET IT? Ill-eagle? Like, illegal? EH???
A TIER DEDICATED TO THINGS I SKETCHED IN MY NOTEBOOK IN EIGHTH GRADE
9. Minnesota State University - Moorhead Dragons
8. Augustana University Vikings
From the ill-fated gritty, serious animated reboot of Hagar the Horrible.
AND NOW FOR THE ROBUST FINAL TIER, THE ANIMALS WHO ARE JUDGING YOU, QUIETLY BUT POLITELY, IN A NORTHERN MIDWESTERN SORT OF WAY
7. University of Minnesota - Duluth Bulldogs
This Bulldog is noticing that you bought a new car, but remembers you still owe him $200.
6. Bemidji State Beavers
This beaver heard you talking sanctimoniously about your diet, but sees you grabbing a doughnut from the office kitchen.
5. St. Cloud State Huskies
This husky knows that’s not how the story you’re telling actually happened.
4. Minnesota State University - Mankato Mavericks
This bull saw you sign the birthday card for our coworker but knows damn well you haven’t chipped in what you owe on that gift.
3. Southwest Minnesota State University Mustangs
This mustang saw your Instagram from the bar last night and isn’t buying the “out with food poisoning” story this morning.
2. Minot State Beavers
This beaver heard you complaining about the weather, and this beaver is from Minot, North Dakota. I want to share my favorite fact about Minot, North Dakota, a place I have been in the middle of January and thus have a preexisting favorite fact about:
Minot came into existence in 1886, when James J. Hill’s Great Northern Railway ended its push through the state for the winter, after having difficulty constructing a trestle across Gassman Coulee. It was the end of the railway’s line, so whenever a train came into the town and the stop was announced, the conductor would call out “Minot, this is Minot, North Dakota, prepare to meet your doom”.
This beaver doesn’t appreciate your whining, is what I’m saying.
Wow, that’s an incredible run of judgmental animals. What could possibly top this? What could have the withering glare and do it with unique style and flair?
Readers, I give you Upper Iowa University.
1. Upper Iowa University Peacocks
This is a mascot that’s going to peck out your eyes and look sassy as hell doing it.