JIM HARBAUGH’S MATRIX OF MEATS BY TEMPERAMENT

Chicken: “Nervous meat.”

Pork: “Mid-energy meat but it’s got some pep. Positive animals. Ever heard someone say “sadder than a pig in shit?” You haven’t.”

Rabbit: “Just wrecks. You would be too if you were Nature’s perfect snackmeat, right down to the easy-rip wrapper.”

Duck: “Full of self-hatred! Untrustworthy waterfowl.”

Bear: “Anything that sleeps four months out of the year has to be depressed.”

Goose: “Honking is just another word for a cry for help!”

Goat: “Too relaxed to be great. Great attitude, though. Coachable.”

Turtle: “Turtle’s a cooling meat. Put five of them in a room and you won’t need AC.”

Horse: “Anxious but delicious!”

Turkey: “Seems confident enough but his entire demeanor is a LIE.”

Lamb: “There’s real sadness because they can be eaten and shaved.”

Beef: “The cow is docile because it wants to be eaten. It craves it.”

Kangaroo: “The reason I have seven kids. Pure power.”

Human: “Worth a look?!??!?!!”