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WELCOME TO SECLAND

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AMERICA’S FIRST FOOTBALL-THEMED AMUSEMENT PARK

Last week, the Pittsburgh-area amusement park Kennywood announced a new attraction they’re developing: “Steelers Country”. According to a news release, it will be:

an immersive land that celebrates the Steelers and includes exclusive merchandise, skill games and food locations, as well as a record-breaking roller coaster called “Steel Curtain”, will open in 2019.

Throughout Steelers Country, fans will have the opportunity to join in on familiar game day moments, including running through the team’s entry tunnel, seeing how they measure up in practice drills and checking scores and highlights on Steelers Country’s giant video screen.

This sounds like hell on earth to me, but it also sounds like they’re going to make a lot of money from it. Steelers fans are everywhere, and they love showing their devotion to their team. And hey - this is a pretty innovative partnership for the NFL, a league not known for being especially inventive.

Ah, but that’s the hitch - this attraction isn’t the first of its kind. No, like so many things in the NFL, it started with the college game - did you know, in fact, there’s been a SEC-themed amusement park for years? There has! In fact, let’s discuss some of the team-themed attractions at SECLAND!

WAR EAGLE

The world’s fastest, tallest, steepest roller-coaster, it’s out of service about half the time.

SATURDAY NIGHT IN DEATH VALLEY: THE RIDE

You’re loaded into a bourbon barrel and shot out of a cannon into a pile of fireworks. The bourbon barrel is full. Ages 8 and up.

HOGVILLE RACING COASTER

Pick your side: are you in the Fayetteville car or the Little Rock car? Neither go anywhere and there’s a terrible safety record.

GHOSTS OF OLE MISS

It’s a haunted house. It costs extra to get in.

THE STARKVILLE TRUTH

A kiosk directly across the midway from the haunted house that hands out literature on how bad the haunted house is.

PEYTON MANNING’S SPLASH PARK

“Hi kids, I’m Peyton Manning. Has your program been taking on water for the last 20 years? Maybe it’s time to make a splash hire! But look out, you made waves with the fanbase! Hope you’re not slipping and sliding to another disappointing season! [mechanical chuckle] Do you like pizza? Wait, come back!”

THE VANDERBILT EXPERIENCE IN ULTIMATE IMMERSIVE 3D

Wait, this is just the place where your mom takes you to dip candles when you’ve had too much sun.

THE KENTUCKY IS FINALLY ABOUT TO BEAT FLORIDA, THEY’VE GOT A LEAD AND THE BALL WITH SECONDS LEFT, THIS IS IT EXPERIENCE, PRESENTED BY KROGER

JOHNNY MANZIEL’S WILD SCRAMBLE BUMPER CARS

[UPDATE: ATTRACTION CLOSED IN 2014]

COLUMBIA, MISSOURI

SITE OF POTENTIAL FUTURE ATTRACTION

TOP THRILL GATOR

Remember that old Nike commercial where the kid rides in the “Michael Vick Experience” rollercoaster, experiencing the thrill of his explosive offensive abilities? Now you can do the same, but with Muschamp/McElwain-era Florida offenses!

SOUTH CAROLINA

I’m not going to just post that GIF of Jadeveon Clowney blowing up Vincent Smith in the Outback Bowl, that would be tired and overdone and just another time that I end up needlessly trolling our Michigan-heavy readership. I can come up with something more creative than that for South Carolina.

This is a food court.

There’s an Auntie Anne’s and a Waffle House and [snickering] an Outback

[composes self] You never have to worry about the line there.

[tear rolls down cheek] There’s always openings.

THERAPY DAWGS

You’ve had a long, thrilling, hectic day at SECLAND, and you’re exhausted. The kids are screaming, you’re sunburned, your feet hurt. Take a little break in this oasis. It’s luxurious. There are comfortable benches, mist-spraying fans, refreshments, and even dogs you can pet! Now this is pleasant.

[leans in to inspect plaque on back of bench]

[“2nd and 26, losers”]

[rollercoaster roars overhead]

BAMALAND

We’ve seen all the other parts of the park, but we’re finally to the main attraction. The most high-tech amusement park ride ever constructed. Years of development and millions of dollars went into developing this ride, and words don’t even do it justice. It’s an experience like no other: a ride truly worthy of bearing the name and colors of the Crimson Tide. I’d try to explain it, but you’re just going to have to see for yours-

Ah, well, I’m sorry, buddy, but-

Nelson Chenault-USA TODAY Sports