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LSU REDUCED TO BEATING ALABAMA WITH CAKES ALONE

THE PROCESS SAYS: EAT THE CAKE, SON

By Spencer Hall
Oregon v LSU
DID SOMEONE SAY CAKE
Photo by Ronald Martinez/Getty Images

  1. If there is a choice, this is the correct one: Take the LSU cake with the Bama frosting. The purpose of the frosting is to contain and shape the cake, and Bama is a lot better at playing contain than LSU is. The purpose of the cake is to be moist, delicious, and bad for you — all things LSU (and Louisiana in general) are better at than anyone.
  2. If LSU fans are watching and waiting to see you cut into something and the worst outcome is that the cake is LSU colors? Then you got off easy. We could see the cake being made of meat. We could see the cake being made of a meat taken off the road, from a swamp, or out of a local zoo that morning. It could have exploded AND been made of meat.
  3. We could see a King Joffrey-type situation unfolding — one where his future brothers-in-law poisoned him, but then hit him with a tranq dart loaded with the antidote. The dart would be shot from a compound bow by a cousin wearing a full ghillie suit squatting unseen in a potted plant across the room. That’s John-Michael, and he’s pretty humble about being the best bowfisherman in Iberia Parish.
  4. Saying: It could have gone a lot worse, son. Oh, and don’t act like you won’t eat that cake, son. Nick Saban’s eaten that cake six times in a row, and The Process don’t let a little food coloring get in the way of finishing the drill.
  5. Oh, and the Big Ten variation that works best is “Michigan icing/Ohio State cake” because the Michigan icing looks virtuous but the Buckeye cake has at least ten grams of protein per serving minimum, bro.