HOW GEORGIA IS THIS CRIME: CHARITY CORNHOLE FIGHT

Sports are structured violence, meant to channel our basest, roughest instincts into orderly and consensual forms of competition that don’t leave the combatants maimed (in theory) or their cities pillaged (just imagine Harvey Updyke with a trebuchet).

Nowhere is this more true than in the noble, but brutal, sport of cornhole.

As always, we rely on our patent pending methodology for determining a crime’s Georgianity, the Stipe-Ping Pyramid.

Below are the questions that must be answered to determine the crime’s proper placement on the pyramid.

Was a vehicle involved?

In some sense, the human body is a vehicle, a battle mech for the anguished, unfulfilled soul. We upgrade these mechs through exercise and outfit them with custom armor through clothing. We name our mechs, names like “Steve” or “Gary” or “Big Gary.” But, like all vehicles, eventually our mechs fall into disrepair and have to be scrapped.

(No, there were no vehicles involved.)

What’s the perpetrator’s name?

Here’s the thing: THEY DIDN’T EVEN CALL THE COPS. Black people are getting the police called on them for napping at the colleges they attend or staying at an Airbnb and meanwhile the I Drink Diet Arizona Tea With My Publix Sub brigade is out here full-on brawling and nothing. Consequently, we don’t know the names of these brave cornhole soldiers.

But! We can at least tell you the name of the Douglas County Chamber of Commerce chair; she’s the voice on the video telling these chucklefucks to stop this nonsense or she will turn this cornhole minivan to the side of the road. Her name is Sara Ray, which is very Georgia because it:

1. References the name of a former UGA head coach and
2. Complies with § 19-12-5 of the Georgia Code, which requires that every fourth girl born in the state be named Sara or some derivation thereof. (This is colloquially known as the “Hall & Oates Law.”)
3. Say “Sara Ray” with your best, or worst, Southern accent and it’ll all make sense.

What was the state of the arrestee’s/arrestees’ hair and dress?

Oh, so many khaki shorts. One of the brawlers — the gentlemen in the center wearing a grayish-blue t-shirt— is really putting in Peach State work by scrappin’ in a pair of flip-flops. Almost every man in this video is wearing a baseball cap. The one man not wearing a baseball cap likely has one in the truck, but kept it off because the bill was interfering with his aim. He’s not wearing sunscreen, it’s just not even a possibility.

Save for Flip-flop Floyd Mayweather in the foreground, they are all wearing ankle socks. Pastors all over the state notice this and approve.

/begin sermon

Ankle socks are important for the godly Georgia man. Unprotected contact between the flesh of the foot and footwear leads to wearing camping sandals. Wearing camping sandals leads to excessive time spent outdoors. Spending time outdoors leads to camping.

Camping leads to spending time in heathen places like state parks. Spending time in state parks leads to spending time in national parks—places that are nothing more than open-air indoctrination camps for sockless big government socialism. The Ranger is not your friend! He is nothing more than Marx’s errand boy in short shorts! His maps only show the trails to damnation and soccer fandom.

It’s too late for Atlanta. But y’all knew that already.

Jesus walked into the wilderness. Why? So you don’t have to, Georgian. There are waterfalls in the woods, yes. But the sermon today is to stick to the rivers and lakes you’re used to, and by that I mean Lakes Lanier, Burton, Allatoona, Oconee, Sinclair, Rabun, and Hartwell, and rivers Ocoee, Chattahoochee and possibly Toccoa, and only then in modest swimwear.

Even then, it’s still best to wear socks. The wind between your toes is nothing more than the devil’s footrub, and the comfort of a sandal with an ankle strap is Satan’s noose making its way up the body.

On your way out, please leave $400 in the collection basket. The main chapel’s atrium espresso station is a shambles, and the last thing I want from this church is to look like we’re not keeping up with First Methodist across the street. I see some of y’all going over there for the flat whites. Don’t think God don’t see that, too.

/end sermon

Oh, and the one guy with a pink golf shirt ends up getting it ripped off his torso. He finishes the clip shirtless and yelling.

In summary: Brother, it was Georgia as HELL out here.

Are there other extenuating circumstances we should be considering?

So many of them as to require bullet pointing them all simply to fit them in a timeframe somewhere past mere listing, but not reaching full lecture.

• This happened at a cornhole tournament
• This happened at a cornhole tournament which was a fundraiser for a scholarship fund for the local Chamber of Commerce
• This happened at a resort for the outdoors, Foxhall Resort, that advertises itself as “refined”
• The definition of “refined” for an outdoors resort in Georgia includes tearing ass through the woods on ATVs and on the lake in personal hovercrafts
• Let’s just be clear on the point that tearing ass through the woods on ATVs and on the lake on your own mini-hovercraft sounds cool as hell but is also not Anthony Bourdain exiting an eco-lodge in a locally sourced sarong preparing for a day of rustic hiking and farm-to-table meals which is not inherently a superior thing either we’re just saying that ATVs don’t exactly seem like something the Windsors are ripping around Buckingham Palace on okay
• The brawl erupted over a scoring dispute
• One witness described the fight as a solid one because there were “definitely some good licks on both sides.”
• He also used the word “licks” to describe “beating the hell out of someone” which is some powerful-ass Georgia
• When the woman gets on the loudspeaker and says “This is stupid!” someone at the :20 mark lets loose a robust “WOOOOOOOOOOO!”, a.k.a. the song of our people
• This has five-star potential and yet peters out right at the end, go dawgs

CONCLUSION:
Scientific knowledge is a fluid thing. What we understand to be truth today, we must be open to questioning tomorrow. Accordingly, we are adding a new layer to the Stipe-Ping Pyramid and placing this fracas there.

This cornhole fight is “Paid A Significant Amount Of Money To Fly To South Bend To Watch Georgia Beat Notre Dame” Georgia.