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BUILDING A TITAN: THE THANOS WORKOUT

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YOU’LL NEVER IMPRESS DEATH WITHOUT A SICK SET OF TRAPS

THANOS: DEFINITELY A STRENGTH COACH

Sorry, not sorry, we’ve been talking to a lot of strength coaches. Like, a LOT of them.

The release of Avengers: Infinity War has everyone excited about the film’s real star: Thanos, the first truly menacing villain in the Marvel Cinematic Universe.

Thanos—a Titan, loving father, environmental activist, and euthanasia advocate out to save the universe from itself—dominates the film in both the emotional and physical sense of the word. Thanos has the swollen oblong biceps of a 5’3” male gymnast fresh off the rings, the striated yet still massive deltoids of The Rock, the traps of a powerlifter, and the calves of a fat kid who recently discovered keto diets and sprint cycling. Thanos wears a weird space vest over his torso. The reasons are unclear and unstated, but it’s likely because he cannot find off-the-rack shirts to cover his impossibly broad chest and slab-like lats.

Folks, for lack of a better word, Thanos may be a deeply troubled and determined threat to the existence of all life in the universe, but bro...he is yoked.

We don’t know exactly how Thanos got the physique so massive it dilates time just walking through the door. But we can try guess how he got there, and share our work with you.

After writing it all down, let us tell you, Avenger: You have some serious work cut out for you. Thanos lifts heavy, eats heavy, and then finds the time to recover from it all. Looking like an immortal-deviant hybrid bent on destroying half the universe takes a level of commitment that is in itself deviant, and requires immortal effort. But if you want truly Titan-ic results, you’re going to need a workout fit for one. The only difference we can promise here: If you make it through six weeks of this routine, the gains will indeed be infinite.

Remember: all sets are written as (sets) x (reps).

Monday: Chest/crushing muscles

Thanos can’t push around Norse gods and the Hulk without a solid base in the chest. Thanos goes low weight on the big movements for mass, and then ups the reps to lay some real definition on top of all that intergalactic beef.

Make the movements controlled. Thanos’s weights are incalculable in human mathematical terms, so substitute your own as needed.

Flat Bench: 5 x 5

Dumbell Bench: 5x10 or reps to failure

Incline Bench: 5 x 10

Weighted Dips: 5 x 10 or reps to failure

Barbell flys: 3 x 10

Pushups: Many to finish until the sleep-tide of Cronos himself laps at your toes

Tuesday: Back/Deadlift/Heavin’ muscles

Deadlift: 5x5 progressing to final set of 90% max. Do not ask what Thanos’s max is. Merely approaching the concept of its total will derange the mind and scorch the flesh with its power.

Romanian Deadlifts: 3x10 because even Thanos needs assistance exercises for the king of lifts.

Barbell rows: 5x10 because Thanos needs a back so big the Hulk can stand on it without harm

Dumbbell rows: 5x8 (with Infinity Glove for added weight BUT NOT ASSISTANCE NO MAGICAL CHEATING)

Pullups: 3x8 because Thanos is insanely heavy and we’re just proud of him for being able to get up there let alone do sets, okay

Wide-grip Lat Pulldown: 3x10

Shrugs: 3x10, don’t laugh Thanos does shrugs because he knows your girl is looking at these beefy neck bumpers like everyone else is

Wednesday: Shoulders/Overhead/Heftin’ muscles

Barbell overhead press: 5x5

Dumbell overhead press: 5x10

Front raises: 3x15

Side raises: 3x15

Reverse flys: 3x15 (these cuffs don’t build themselves even if you’re an immortal purple sizebeast at birth)

Wall balls: Five minutes constant effort. Do not use small planet as Thanos does.

Thursday: Squats/Cleans

Squats: 5x5

Cleans: 5x3

Leg Press: 3x10

Note: That’s it? That’s it, really, Thanos just has really naturally jacked legs, they bulk right up with definition without much effort, it’s great

Friday: Arms

Hammer Curls: 3x15

Barbell Curls: 3x10

Zottman Curl: 3x10 (Thanos likes his bicep exercises EXOTIC)

Cable tricep press-down: 3x15, use the rope not the bar, and if you don’t replace it afterwards and leave the work area clean Thanos is going to literally murder you for poor gym etiquette (he might murder you anyway, do what you want)

Skullcrushers: 3x10

Close grip dips: all

Forearm work: Crush skulls. If skulls are unavailable at your local gym, dead hangs for time or till failure will do.

Saturday: Pilates

Thanos is a dad. He needs all the lumbar support, core strength, and flexibility he can get.

Sunday: Rest

Take a long bath, hang out with family you haven’t alienated, driven to madness, or turned against you, Netflix

Notes:

  • Push sled twice a week, walk briskly for 20 minutes in the morning
  • Find a partner, Galactus is a good one
  • Muscles are made in bed, sleep at least nine hours a night (time-dilated if magical eternal capable of time-manipulation, regular if not)
  • Eat five times a day and don’t skimp on carbs
  • Eat
  • Eat everything
  • Eat your children if you have to, it’s family tradition
  • Baths, Thanos thinks long baths really help
  • Don’t actually do this workout, good god, please
  • You can’t turn purple
  • Don’t try to turn purple
  • Use foam roller daily, one from Target will be fine, even Thanos has to go to Target once every other day