EVERY SINGLE CHARACTER IN THE AVENGERS TRAILER AS A CURRENT FOOTBALL THING

Fine, let’s go:

TONY STARK

Trapped in the void with no hope of rescue. Wealthy but doomed, and praying for a miraculous intervention to save them. Fond of wearing armor even when it’s not necessary. Was big in the mid-2000s; Known for scene where they crashed into a tree.

A: USC

Q: THANOS

Observers may be skeptical when he discusses “Spending time with family” instead of pursuing his crazed dreams.

A: URBAN MEYER

Q: CAPTAIN AMERICA

All-American type obsessed with the 1940s. Still drinks milk and fights with a shield while everyone else uses lasers and takes mad supplements. Knows a lot about D-Day and is happy to talk about it whenever you like, or sometimes whenever you don’t like. Believes they are number one — when, in fact, they typically end up second or third in their peer group.

Recently took a king-sized L that it isn’t sure it can’t handle or not.

A: MICHIGAN

Q: BLACK WIDOW

Mostly used to move the plot along as a foil and also to look cool.

A: OREGON

Q: BRUCE BANNER

Couldn’t stay hard when it counted most. Currently still weeping.

A: GEORGIA

Q: THOR

Guy in a Carhartt jacket looking for revenge. Son of a more renowned figure, he is known for rolling into a fight and putting up shots with lightning speed without really thinking about how he’s going to get out of that fight. Zero defense, now that you remember all his fight scenes and the whole “losing an eye to his sister” thing.

Actually, losing an eye in a fight with your sister fits perfectly here, along with having deep emotional discussions with raccoons.

A: OKLAHOMA

Q: HAWKEYE

Ronin is an alias for Hawkeye after he died for a while and came back to life. He’s Hawkeye, but with a sword, and also maybe kind of amoral? Comics aren’t great on clarity.

Ronin is a darker, damaged version of a previous hero. The Goth-Anime version of Hawkeye, basically, the same thing but OOOOH NOW WITH SAMURAI STUFF AND THE INABILITY TO EXPRESS EMOTION WOWWWWW. An off-key variation on an otherwise normal and unremarkable phenomenon, lauded by its admirers mostly out of nostalgia without thinking about how mostly normal the remembered thing actually was.

Died in 2007 just like Hawkeye.

A: TENNESSEE

Q: Dead lady who was a thing so long ago in this story frankly we have trouble remembering why we cared sometimes

A: MIAMI

Q: ANT-MAN

Look at Scott’s cracked-out ass. Back from some quantum 0-11 netherworld he wasn’t thought capable of escaping, smiling, showing up in the most oblivious fashion. Has a couple of felonies, but no one’s perfect, right? Quietly a top five power in the room if you ignore the lack of pedigree and the less-than-pristine record. Drives a sketchy van, which is on brand when you remember who he really is.

He’d save the world — if only they’d open the door for him.

A: UCF