clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

HOLIDAY GIFT GUIDE FOR YOUR DAD, THE DESTROYER OF THE UNIVERSE

New, 714 comments

WHAT TO GET THE MAN WHO HAS ALMOST EVERYTHING HE NEEDS TO DESTROY EVERYTHING

If you buy something from an SB Nation link, Vox Media may earn a commission. See our ethics statement.

Christmas is almost upon us, and hopefully you’ve gotten a lot of your shopping done already. If you’re anything like us, though, there’s always one person you’re struggling to find gifts for: dear ol’ Dad.

It’s a fraught search, finding just the right thing for your pops. He’s only got a few hobbies he really cares about, and he’s probably already got almost anything you can think of related to those. You don’t see him as much as you’d like to these days, so it’s hard to know what clothing or accessories he might like.

Also, you’ve just discovered, at the end of the second act of this epic, multi-volume drama, that your father is the supervillain you’ve been struggling mightily to prevent from destroying the entire universe.

Fortunately, it’s not too late to stop him - and it’s not too late to get him some of these terrific, reasonably-priced gifts delivered before the 25th!

Let’s take a look.

CHERISHED MEMORIES

It’s been a lot for you to process these last few days, after the death of your trusted mentor and surrogate father figure. You had always believed — as he had always told you — that your father was betrayed and murdered by the supervillain who’s sworn to wipe out all life in the universe. So, it’s come as quite a shock to find that, not only has your father been alive and well all this time, he actually IS that supervillain.

That means he’s missed a lot of moments in your life! So why not give him some cherished memories back? This digital picture frame can display all the things he missed - your kindergarten graduation, your school play, your childhood Halloween costumes, and all those times you stared at the night sky, vowing to avenge his death!

It’s got a clever energy-saving motion sensor that turns the frame on when you enter the room, so he won’t run up a big energy bill when he’s off in some forgotten corner of space and time, chasing the final Eternity Gem.

ON THE ROAD

Your dad’s not a 9-to-5, desk job kind of dad. He’s got an active, non-traditional lifestyle that sees him traveling a lot. He’s often on the road for weeks at a time, meeting business associates, hashing out deals, and destroying anyone that stands in the way of his plan. It’s a stressful lifestyle, and it can make it hard to find a quality cup of joe - especially when you’ve just incinerated the planet!

Maybe he’d love this nifty travel mug? It’s got a digital thermometer and battery-powered heating element that allows you to select the perfect temperature for your coffee, tea, or liquified souls all day long!

Every time Dad takes a perfectly-warm sip of his beverage, he’ll be thinking of you, and perhaps awakening some part of the man you hope and pray is still inside of him, the man that can still be redeemed before it’s too late for all of us.

OUTDOOR FUN!

You don’t know a ton about your Dad, to be honest. There’s the one faded picture of him that you’ve held onto for all these years, smiling alongside your now-murdered mentor when they fought together in the Battle of Templar’s Doom. He’s probably changed a lot these days, though, and it’s hard to know - you can only stare into his burning eyes as they glare out from behind the Obsidian Helmet.

You think he likes the outdoors, though, maybe? I mean, why else would he have leveled every building on your planet, even when he already knew the Seventh Eternity Gem, the Ruby of Fate, had been safely shuttled away to a hiding place by your doomed resistance fighter crew? It’s probably because he likes the fresh air, and not because his soul has been so lost that he would attempt destroy you for no reason.

So how about you get him something fun he can use outside, like these cool giant wooden yard dice?

They’re fun for backyard barbecues, beach parties, or even deciding the fate of galaxies as you stand amid the ashes of the only heroes who might have been able to stop you!

SNAZZ UP HIS SOCK GAME

It can be tough for Dad to express his fun side when he’s got a job to do. There’s expectations for how he’s got to present himself, and that doesn’t give a lot of leeway in many professions - some dads wear uniforms, others wear business suits, and your Dad wears the Cloak of The Fallen Souls. It’s functional, sure - every hero who’s touched it has found their powers drained and their bodies turned to stone - but it’s the same thing every day. How drab!

But there’s still a few ways even a Dad as serious as yours can jazz things up - how about some fun, funky socks, like these?

They’re bright and kooky, and show a sense of humor that you know your Dad’s got in him - the laugh-out-loud reversal here is much like when he told the people of Alpha Nublar that he would spare them, before adding, after a pause and a cruel smirk, “... from having to wait around for the end!” and obliterating them with a wave.

Plus, they’re breathable cotton!

JUST GIVE HIM WHAT HE REALLY WANTS

Look, we get it. You’re not that close with your Dad anymore. You don’t see eye-to-eye in many things - career path, taste in music and movies, or belief in the continued existence of life in the universe.

When you’ve dedicated your life to stopping the man who would stamp out all life, only to find out belatedly that that man is in fact your father, it can be tough to find a gift that says “I still love you, and I know somewhere inside that hulking monstrosity you’ve become there’s the man who once loved me”.

A coffee mug or picture frame just isn’t going to cut it.

And you know what? Christmas only comes once a year. We get that budgets are tight, you’ve got a lot of other gifts to give, and you still believe that humanity should persist, but why not give him what he really wants?

Why not give Dad the Seventh Eternity Gem?

I know, I know - you’ve spent the first two films doing everything you could do keep it out of his hands. After he acquired the Sixth Gem, the Sapphire of Inevitability, he laid waste to half of your misfit band of freedom fighters, including both your beloved mentor and your loose-cannon comic sidekick. If he gets the Seventh Stone, he’ll lay waste to you and everything you ever believed in.

But it’s Christmas. He desires the Ruby more than anything - and you know right where it is, too, buried a mile beneath the sands of the desert wasteland planet Samphor. Just give it to him, and maybe in that moment before he claps away all existence, you’ll share a moment of parent-child bonding you’ve been seeking all along.

Besides, once his decades-long quest to possess the universe’s ultimate power is complete, he’ll finally have the time to take you to a baseball game.

Oh, wait, baseball’s destroyed too. [shrug] Baseball’s boring anyways.