It’s important to address the most important issue of this coming weekend in college football. This argument may seem complex and sometimes incredibly personal, but it’s important to make it. Please bear with us, but we think you’ll find it rewarding enough at the end.
[takes deep breath]
Just chest pass the ball, you incredible idiots.
That is all.
—The Management, who wants you to have all the scholarship money Dr. Pepper can give you because life is stupid and unfair. But you know what else is stupid? NOT CHEST PASSING THE BALL DURING THE DR. PEPPER CHALLENGE. And you know what is unfair? MAKING ALL YOUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY WATCH YOU FAIL BECAUSE YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND THAT YOU ARE NOT TUA TAGOVAILOA.