clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:


New, 608 comments


Texas A&M v UCLA
Photo by Sean M. Haffey/Getty Images

Joe Jamail, a legendary Texas attorney, billionaire, and football megabooster to the Longhorns football program, died on December 23rd, 2015. He once called another attorney “fat boy” in a deposition; He put his name on the football field Texas plays its home games on; He inspired songs written by Willie Nelson, and not particularly flattering ones. He’s still watching the games.

No, this isn’t just Hatin’ Ass Spurrier, there are Texas jokes in there—

Goddamn, Aggies. I mean, just, goddamn. Up 44-10 and you lose 45-44? You went sixty minutes and couldn’t muster one single solid point when you needed to? Thats a Mad Men episode, Aggies. You’re out there pissing in a boot but only filling a slipper. You’re an asshole short of a whole donkey, Aggies, and the asshole store’s closed.

It opens Monday and it’s selling you. Too bad this is Sunday.

Josh Rosen threw for 292 yards and four TDs in one quarter while your guy couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn. Fortunately, you could run the ball, and not call seventeen passes with a lead. That’d be foolish, like throwing passes at a barn. What you doin’, Aggies? You built that barn, but I own it, because that’s what Longhorns do. We own stuff that you build, so get away from my barn before I call the authorities.

I’d offer to let you buy the barn for a dollar, but four quarters is obviously too much to ask of you.

Whew. I don’t know. I don’t really know how you get over that. One time I lost a big case. It was in Delaware. Wanted to argue it in Texas, where I could good ol’ boy it. Say things about swinging my nuts in court without everyone acting like I just shot a nun in broad daylight. You know, the good shit. Delaware’s a sandy boil on Maryland’s ass. I’m dead and rich and Texan. Quote me on that twice.

Anyway, I was walking out of the courthouse when Willie and Owen Wilson showed up. Four days later I walked out of a burning casino in Alice Springs, Australia with fifty grand in my pockets, a spider bite on my thigh that glowed in the dark and made a humming noise, and a newfound appreciation for life. Owen Wilson died in that fire, but he got better, and we all had a good laugh about it later. He’s from Dallas; I call him friend nonetheless.

What I’m saying is that I can’t help you, and wouldn’t. Because I like you weak and sad, and because I can’t help you burn down a casino to make you feel better about things. I can’t even help you meet Owen Wilson. I’m dead. He’s a car now. Life’s funny like that.

But my goodness. Twenty-eight points in a quarter. I mean, I know what getting killed by UCLA’s like. Least we got it over early. Give up 28 points in the second quarter and it’s a rout.

Giving up 28 in the fourth? That’s like a bridge deciding it wants to be a dam at the last second and falling into the river. That’s a plane changing its mind over water and becoming a failed boat. You know the difference between being a surgeon and a serial killer? Finishing, Aggies. Leave the body on the table and you’re just Dexter in overalls, y’all.

And Losing to UCLA is the worst because they don’t care. They go back to waxin’ their jimmies or caring about their college basketball team. If I wanted to care about something that made that much squeaking noise and disappointed me at every interaction I’d get a guinea pig. Least I can eat that. Peruvians are on to something there and you need to listen to ‘em. Delicious little cattle of the high altiplano.

Don’t correct me in the middle of my column. I’m dead but I will still jerk a knot in your little dick, call it a bow, and make you an ugly present for my close personal friend, this hungry woodchipper, you shit-triflin’ bilgesnipe.

No, I don’t know who I’m talking to right now. It just feels right. I’m dead. I’m just gonna do what feels right. THIS IS MY DEPOSITION.

Anyway, I gotta close this argument. Here goes.

Aggies, you put the ass in pass. Kevin Sumlin wears a visor because even the protection scheme he uses on his head has to have a hole in it. Kyle Field is the only stadium in American where you have to step in horse shit outside in order to watch it on the inside.

You made everyone go to LA to watch a bear eat a dog in the name of entertainment. Good people of Texas can do that at home for free. Some of them do or seven dollars a head on Friday nights at the Armory in Amarillo. It’s not a good thing, but I’m just saying that it’s done, and done a lot closer to you than Pasadena. Freedom.

The bats in the stadium were the only air attack y’all have. You evicted them two years ago.

Kenny Hill had a good game, though. He plays for TCU now. Thought I should mention that regardless. Kyle Allen didn’t get to play because of an act of god. Y’all lost because of an act of dog. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe y’all are a major research university after all. Even MIT hasn’t made karma dyslexic, Aggies. That’s some science right there.

Y’all have lost more quarterbacks than Florida. You know how hard you have to work to have more missing persons than FLORIDA? You’ve disappeared more four and five star field generals than Stalin in his prime. Aggies, all you had to do to beat Josh Rosen was imagine he was an Aggie quarterback. You’d have run him off the field and had him transferring in no time.

Anyway, It’s bad, Aggies. It’s bad, and ol’ Joe’s pretty happy about it. If you want to sue me for damages, try it. My insurance coverage is airtight. It’s great coverage. Look that up in a dictionary because you sure as hell won’t see it at Kyle Field.

Speaking of one, just one other thing you can’t have? This column has arrived at its completion.

Hook ‘em,


p.s. Texas didn’t have a game that I’m aware of.

p.p.s. Your football team treats wins like Noah treated people. In the boat there’s a max of eight, and any of them could fall overboard at any minute.