Did you ever watch that show Man vs. Food? You know, the one where the guy took on a different horrific eating challenge every week?
By the third season, it was clear his doctors had intervened and reminded him that humans are not meant to drink 15 milkshakes at a time, or to eat 96oz steaks - and if they are, they shouldn’t be doing it with regularity. So the show turned to Man vs. Food Nation, where a different fan would take on the challenge each week, and he’d sit next to them while they did it.
What am I getting at here?
Oh, well, you may recall that I’ve done a Corgi Preview each of the last three years, letting my own dog, Holly, “rank” the top 25 teams in college football. But now my doctors are telling me that’s unhealthy and I can’t do it anymore.
(Or, I have two young children now, and as beloved and well-cared-for as I assure you Holly still is, I don’t take 100 photos of her a day anymore, and I don’t have the content to support it this year.)
So anyways, it’s DOG PREVIEW NATION time. You’ve all obliged by sending me the Unequivocal Best Dogs In The Country (tied with all the other dogs, they’re all good dogs), and I’m going to rank teams.
I am not ranking the dogs here. They’re all winners.
Unless I get a Notre Dame dog.
Note: If you submitted a dog and I did not include him or her, it’s no slight on you or your very good dog. Some tweets weren’t embedding properly, and some got lost in the shuffle. Many apologies. I encourage everyone to peruse and like the replies to my parent tweet, and I thank you all for submitting. They’re all good dogs.
ALSO RECEIVING VOTES:
This is Maggie. She cheers for Kentucky and in her 91 dog years on earth has never seen an 8 win regular season. pic.twitter.com/ZCDFPcyp1c— DrewFrog (@DrewFrogger) August 31, 2017
The fact that Rutgers is included here is proof you should not take these rankings literally. But this dog was too good not to include. 20 years old! She’s seen nearly 30 Rutgers wins.
Here's Annie. She's a rutgers fan. But she's getting turkey here so she has something to be happy about at 20 years old pic.twitter.com/iw8YAIZJCB— matt soarino (@mtorino75) August 31, 2017
I know this dog (BURT) personally, so I’m biased to rank him highly even though I know better, which is exactly how I feel about the Zips.
Just like the MAC teams he loves, he just sort of lays down to start the season. pic.twitter.com/uS1ZsOwdbZ— bill c (@Bill_in_Akron) August 31, 2017
SAN DIEGO STATE
Chuck is hungry for another Vanderbilt bowl game this season pic.twitter.com/ZQTl2FuSRf— Jackson Martin (@JogMartin) August 31, 2017
Sadie is a corgi mix and she's an unfortunate Mississippi State fan pic.twitter.com/aJVooNA4Gb— Blair (@duke_blair) August 31, 2017
one more for your consideration— Zach Berry (@Zach_Berry) August 31, 2017
(don't blame his father for the outdated mascot doll) pic.twitter.com/gqLcsUuhyw
Didn't refresh the feed to see it. My bad.— Evan (@Schrodingers_QB) August 31, 2017
This is Jack. Ole Miss makes him drink. pic.twitter.com/1V89oS2oMw
Huntley is clearly super excited for Northwestern! pic.twitter.com/pVnIh96txL— John Obrecht (@ChiJDO) August 31, 2017
This is Riley. She's a 14 week Golden retriever and she loves Arizona State pic.twitter.com/TpgJFmklPQ— Danielle (@KittyKatDeee) August 31, 2017
Submitted via DM. Very good dog.
I’m awfully hard on Purdue around here, so I think it’s high time I throw them a bone. A bone. Get it? It’s a dog joke. I’m great at this.
Mackey (of Mackey arena fame), big boilermaker guy. pic.twitter.com/C3vZGc04Za— Jonathan Gandolf (@JDGandolf) August 31, 2017
Lilly is not sure why she was forced to watch the Hazel era at Purdue, but is clearly thrilled about the new coaching staff. pic.twitter.com/LR5zAfuQna— Geoff (@PU_ACL_Donor) August 31, 2017
23) WEST VIRGINIA
This is Brooklyn. She's a WVU fan. pic.twitter.com/DVzwXg0qt6— Jonathan Nottingham (@wvnottingham) August 31, 2017
Harlan isn’t sure if Nebraska has the right personnel lined up for the new 3-4 defense. pic.twitter.com/oXdHBl8Ujz— Nikolai Denmark (@NikolaiDenmark) August 31, 2017
Norah likes the Oregon Ducks but is rightly dubious this season pic.twitter.com/BcSGkG5AbU— D. Mayz (@Lablawz) August 31, 2017
Holly is masking her existential dread over UF entire team suspension for Michigan pic.twitter.com/hwUNtILRUY— Chris Herbert (@KirkCherbstreit) August 31, 2017
After careful research on the forums, Grizz is all in on Tom Herman and the 'Horns this year. pic.twitter.com/vXTefnLw4E— Zach Russell (@Zach_Russell) August 31, 2017
18) NOTRE DAME
TEACHER: Where’s your homework?
BRIAN KELLY: My dog four and ate it.
My roommate's dog Dempsey. Son of a Notere Dame fan. Here he is contemplating the life he could have had. pic.twitter.com/HGpn7E4mRG— Timmy Bahama (@timmy_bahama) August 31, 2017
Abby is a reluctant Tennessee fan and is very excited to watch Butch Jones manage a QB battle pic.twitter.com/MPTnpwhOOm— Jon (@BigJon865) August 31, 2017
15) VIRGINIA TECH
No designation was made in the tweet here, but the profile belies Hokie-dom. Low-key but effective, just like the Hokies.
Dallas is a very good boy who prefers to wear bow ties. He cheers for TCU. pic.twitter.com/GfuMnx8anT— J.D. Moore (@Jordan_Dallas) August 31, 2017
This dog’s name is Hank. HANK. Also, Hank might be a horse, which would be cheating, but in a very BERT-y way.
Mojo, obviously, University of Iowa, obviously pic.twitter.com/TFK00PM5oe— Adam Jacobi (@Adam_Jacobi) August 31, 2017
Tequila is a very good dog that I have actually met and had climb into my arms 10 seconds later, this is how a Cincinnati grad can become comfortable with Louisville’s success.
Tequila says Go Cards Beat Purdue pic.twitter.com/lMYsB9BFJn— regular hammel (@hammel11) August 31, 2017
Chance is a new LSU fan and doesn't understand why so much of the fanbase is nervous about a new offense. pic.twitter.com/4Pmxr5AHRA— Zach (@zrau) August 31, 2017
Henry (Corgi mix) and Ringo (mutt) want to know if Auburn can go the distance pic.twitter.com/VKkZXpEDl5— Drew (@hops_and_smoke) August 31, 2017
This is Megatron. Disappointed this is his least derpy photo. pic.twitter.com/DtW8nCmZSf— glenn (@grweigold) August 31, 2017
Wisconsin is the kind of fanbase where I’d be disappointed if I didn’t get multiple good dogs, and I am not disappointed:
Cooper, University of Wisconsin Badgers. Currently attempting to eat his way into their OL pic.twitter.com/JmL0yQZa0m— Jeff Supernaw (@JeffSupernaw) August 31, 2017
University of Wisconsin, this woofer's name is Touchdown (he was born on super bowl Sunday, 2008) pic.twitter.com/uFoK0YDbc9— alex gödken (@alexanderflam) August 31, 2017
rosey is here to represent wisconsin pic.twitter.com/grUzYrYCyx— tradgoth ⚰️ (@brinepond) August 31, 2017
Harlan is TOTALLY ready for OU vs UTEP!! pic.twitter.com/DYDwriYZfD— Chloe Denmark (@ChloeDenmark) August 31, 2017
5) PENN STATE
This dog inspired the crowd-sourcing of the post, so they’re a slightly good-er dog than all the others. (They’re all good dogs.)
If you have an actual dog mascot, you’d better come correct here.
Meet Bailey. He's named after Mario Bailey from the Washington Huskies. pic.twitter.com/4fHzXfwRW6— Aman Loodu (@asloodu) August 31, 2017
3) BAMA / USC / CLEMSON (The numbers don’t actually matter, just like the Coaches’ Poll)
If I got a Bama submission, I lost it, but I’m not dumb enough to leave them out. (I left out USC and Clemson, though. There are no rules).
This is Penny. She doesn't have a favorite team - she's just happy to see everyone play and have fun. pic.twitter.com/G2NmUhmmWQ— Russell Varner (@rvarner) August 31, 2017
UPDATE: I got one for Bama.
Just like Bama. As soon as you count them out, they show up with another five-star.
UPDATE: I also got several for USC. It’s too late to re-rank, though. Resolve this amongst yourselves, football teams.
To my knowledge, I did not receive a Clemson submission, so they’re not ranked. This is where I remind you that in last year’s Top 25, I gave the top spot to Clemson, who then won the national championship. You’re welcome, Tigers.
UPDATE: I very belatedly received a Clemson submission. Y’all sure love to come back at the last minute, huh.
Mia is a Clemson fan and demands to be featured pic.twitter.com/B726DSMcRh— Neil McLellan (@McLellan8116) August 31, 2017
If you think Georgia is over-ranked here, I suggest you take it up with Lucy, or her representative Amanda, and see how that goes for you.
friend, i think lucy was born to represent georgia in this ranking pic.twitter.com/krAg4YJseP— Amanda Mull (@amandamull) August 31, 2017
1) OHIO STATE
My name is Trixie and I love the Buckeyes pic.twitter.com/fNETwhektJ— Mike Sharp (@Sharparoni) August 31, 2017
I’m fron Ohio, and I like corgis. No one said these rankings would be fair.