YES HE IS STILL IN THE LEAGUE

J.T. Barrett, Ohio State QB

We checked, somehow still definitely in the league, has a nice starter house in Columbus and is considering opening a Crossfit gym or something just to avoid the rat race, yanno? He found a gray the other day, too, but it’s cool, no one gets to be a silverback without some plata in all that plomo.

Nick Chubb, Georgia RB

You can tell us Nick Chubb hasn’t been at Georgia for eight years, and that he isn’t on his fourth ACL and his fifth offensive coordinator, and that he isn’t entering at least his sixth year of being The Next Herschel. Nick Chubb smokes two packs a day and has been at Georgia so long that he thinks Young Thug is the point where hip-hop music left him behind. Nick Chubb has been at UGA so long he has a flip phone, and not as a joke. Nick Chubb thinks it’s fine to drive a Rav-4 and has no idea why that would be funny. Nick Chubb wears Skechers and does not wear them ironically.

Luke Falk, Washington State QB

Not only still in college, which is surprising—but also still alive, which is surprising.

Baker Mayfield, Oklahoma QB

Kinda wish he’d transfer one more time just to really complicate things and complete the Steven Threet Treble of enrolling at three schools during his brief college football career.

Baker Mayfield has been in college so long that he has completed another important triple crown of achievement:

• Been powerbombed in a barfight by a bouncer
• Appeared in two viral videos (the aforementioned powerbomb and his Whip video)
• People have gotten tattoos of him.

Royce Freeman, Oregon RB

Has played for Oregon so long he took handoffs from Marcus Mariota, and remembers when Mark Helfrich “just needed some more time.”

Ralph Webb, Vanderbilt RB

Had more TDs than Nick Chubb last year, which we mention only to remind everyone that on 4th and short against Vandy last year UGA opted to give the ball to a 105 lb wide receiver out of the backfield and have him run directly at Vanderbilt’s best tackler. Ralph Webb probably has a good head start on a law degree already, and qualifies as part-time faculty.

Luke Del Rio, Florida QB

His coaching career began in earnest last season. That’s fine because the greatest victory of all is survival, and anyone who watched his extremely stationary self get battered in the pocket knows Luke Del Rio is a walking episode of I Shouldn’t Be Alive.

Dee Liner, Arkansas State DL

The d-liner whose name actually is his position, Liner transferred to Arkansas State because exposure to the Alabama football program caused him to “lose his love” for college football. Same, Dee. Same.

Matt Elam, Kentucky DL

Really not appreciated enough for sheer girth or his obvious sense of humor.

Will Grier, West Virginia QB

There’s always a wandering eighth-year senior who started their career at Florida wandering the country somewhere. Will Grier will start at West Virginia, most likely put up 8,000 yards passing, and make everyone do that fun cycle of “oh hey where’d he come from/Florida, weird, why can’t they keep or develop a QB?” that makes us drink the rubbing alcohol when the bourbon’s gone.

Hootie Jones, Alabama DB

Hasn’t actually been at Alabama that long, just wanted to remind everyone Alabama still has a Hootie on the roster.