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WELCOME TO LEISURETOWN, BOB STOOPS

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A NEWLY RETIRED COACH DISCOVERS HIS NEW SOCIAL CLUB

BOB STOOPS: Well, that’s a weight off my chest. I really had a great time coaching in Norman for the last 18 years, but the time finally felt right to hang up the ol’ headset. Now, to consider my next steps.

[doorbell rings]

STOOPS: Well, that’s unusual. I wonder who’s here?

[opens door]

MACK BROWN: [walks in] Howdy.

LES MILES: [walks in] Hey, there.

[golf cart crashes through closed patio door on other side of the house]

STEVE SPURRIER: [drives in] Door’s broken.

STOOPS: Well, gosh, guys, it sure is great to see you all here, to what do I owe the honor?

BROWN: See, here, buddy we’re just here to say hello and wish you well and all that, but we’re also welcoming you to our elite fraternity, the Coaches’ Leisuretime Friendship Group.

MILES: You see, we realized that, when you’ve been living the 20-hour days of a top-tier college football coach for ten, fifteen years or more, it can be tough to suddenly have nothing to do. You find the phone stops ringing, the schedule clears up, and you don’t have any idea what comes next. You need someone to help you transition to civilian life.

SPURRIER: Yeah, like Nick Saban did for Les.

STOOPS: Well this is awful nice of you fellas, I really appreciate the concern, but I’m feelin’ pretty good about the decision. I think I’m gonna take some time to just relax.

BROWN: Do you really think you can do that?

STOOPS: Well, sure, I-

MILES: Just heard that a local four-star wideout is wavering on his commitment to A&M.

STOOPS: [sweats] That’s... his... business...

MILES: Runs a 4.4 40. In street clothes.

STOOPS: [shaking] I’m... happy... for... him.

SPURRIER: It’s okay, I’m sure Gundy’ll give him a goo-

STOOPS: [runs to pick up phone]

GARY PINKEL: [on other end of phone, walking in door] You have to learn to let go, Bob.

STOOPS: FINE. FINE. I ALREADY REGRET THIS. Tell me what to do. How do you guys stay occupied? I guess the broadcasting keeps you pretty busy?

BROWN: Aw, heck, we have the 2K vidjagame guys record all that before the season. Takes two, three hours, tops. Ain’t that much to say about this stuff.

STOOPS: Obviously, you’re kidding, I mean, they show you live in the booth on those broadcasts, it’s not like you’re a-

BROWN: [was a hologram the whole time, blinks off]

SPURRIER: Hey look, it’s his career after 2009.

PINKEL: Anyways, Bob, we want to help you. We’ve got a few other coaches emeriti in our group, and they’re all here for our monthly outing.

[they step out onto the lawn]

FRANK BEAMER: Hi.

KIRK FERENTZ: Hey.

STOOPS: Wait, you’re not retired.

FERENTZ: [puts finger to lips in “shh” gesture] That’s what Iowa thinks too.

STOOPS: [squinting] wait, is that...

BROWN: [hologram blinks back in] Oh, yeah, that. We got a good deal on that.

SPURRIER: Realistic, ain’t it? Look, he’s not doing anything.

BEAMER: Come on, let’s get on with this, I’ve got a tee time in an hour.

STOOPS: Alright, so what is it that you guys do with your time, then?

[later, outside a nice house]

BEAMER: Okay, I’ll ring the doorbell, then you light it and run, got it?

STOOPS: Got it.

BEAMER: [rings bell] GO GO GO GO

[they sprint into the bushes]

[the door opens]

JIM HARBAUGH: What in the name of fabulous and incredible intensity is going on right now? My word, look at this, a flaming bag of dog excrement. Fantastic! What an opportunity to observe the rich and violent pageant of nature in a condensed environment. Think of all the energy that had to go into this, the horsemeat and fillers that made up this dog’s food, probably a fine, loyal animal, perhaps one of those ones from the airport, they thought I was carrying cocaine, but that’s just how my blood smells, I can’t fault you for doing your job, you’re keeping the skies safe with an enduring spirit of goodness and integrity. And that flame! Burning bright with the heat of competition, oxygen combusting, energy releasing, this is the most inspiring thing I’ve seen in days! I’m going to take this and show the team what passion looks like.

[he picks up the flaming bag of dog poop barehanded, without extinguishing it, and goes inside]

STOOPS: That... was odd.

MILES: It was even worse when we did it to Saban, he made the bag his offensive coordinator for three years.

PATERNO STATUE: [does nothing]

SPURRIER: C’mon, hop in, we’re gonna go dress up as conference championship trophies and scare the hell out of Richt.