WE FIX YOUR APPAREL PROBLEM, GEORGIA TECH

Georgia Tech is a rarity among FBS football programs for a few reasons. They run an offense you cannot identify, because the act of giving it a name enrages their coach. Call it a flexbone, and Paul Johnson will get cranky; Call it a triple-option, and he gets even crankier. It’s safest not to even discuss it as an offense, really. Just say Georgia Tech has special teams, a defense, and [pantomimes handing off the ball and running frantically while passing only rarely.]

They also have a gear deal with...Russell Athletic. Not Nike, not Adidas, not even Under Armour, but Russell Athletic, a company whose only remaining FBS client as of this week was Georgia Tech. Their deal with Tech is up in 2018, the negotiations for a new deal are underway, and the three candidates for the contract are the usual, boring suspects: Nike, Adidas, and Under Armour.

That is disappointing. Tech has always been dedicatedly weird, and now risks being just one of another vassal states in world divided between three monolithic brands. Tech is creative, something not even Georgia fans would dispute. (Georgia fans: Consult your handy chart of “Tech cheatin’” and at least admit this part.)

There are other brands that could do the job, and do it in a way that reflects Tech’s unique history of football innovation and independence.

For instance:

BIG DOGS

They don’t make athletic apparel, but the audacity of being an insect mascot team and aligning with Big Dogs in a state where their primary rival is repped by a dog is unquestionable. Also it’s right there on the shirt: If you can’t run with the big dogs, stay on the porch. The big ol’ dogbees, right there on that porch.

A Big Dogs shirt is admissible in court in the state of Georgia as a criminal defense of almost any felony. Wear the right one and holler “BUT I’M A BIG DOG, YOUR HONOR” and the judge has to let you go.

LULULEMON

They’d be comfortable and durable and more expensive than Georgia’s gear. That is very much on brand for Georgia Tech: That in the end, we can afford nicer stuff than you can, because we can do math and you cannot. Lululemon is also kind of cult-ish, which suits the small but rabid Tech fanbase well, too. (Downside: Ayn Randian beliefs not ideal for executing coordinated blocking schemes.)

YETI

They don’t make clothes BUT consider that if they did, they’d be waterproof, maintain a steady temperature until the near heat death of the universe, ridiculously expensive (See: “we have nicer stuff than you”) and admittedly overengineered. Would steal a mainline affiliation brand from UGA fans, too, who would be forced to find another aspirational cooler brand. They’ll act like they’re not bad about this, which would be just another delicious layer here for the Jackets.

AH NEEDED A COOLER THAT HAD A HOLSTER FOR MAH GUN. A REAL AMERICAN COOLER, NOT THIS TECH YETI ISIS SHIT. TECH IS ISIS. DID I SAY THAT? THEY’RE ISIS, IN THE FLESH, BECAUSE THEY BOTH CUT BLOCK AND HATE AMERICA.

REEBOK

That’s the joke! Your cleats would be the puffiest in the land, Tech.

STARTER

Huge, huge jerseys only available on eBay. The ‘92 Charlotte Hornets throwbacks you wear in week eight might seem weird, but isn’t confusion just another word for strategy? LARRY JOHNSON HANDS OFF TO KENDALL GILL, GILL GETS THREE ON THE CARRY.

SOME HUGE CHINESE SPORTSWEAR COMPANY WITH SUPERB COPYRIGHT ATTORNEYS

Get whatever designs you want for way less, and let the vagaries of international IP law do the rest for you.

SUPREME

Don’t lose any of them: You only get 27 of them made, and they cost $1,820.85 each.