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ANNOUNCERS IN THE BEDROOM: A FIELD GUIDE

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NO ONE SHOULD ANNOUNCE YOUR LOVE LIFE LIKE A GAME. BUT IF THEY DID...

Britain Set For Driest September Since 1910
POLLINATION HAS NEVER BEEN CALLED WITH SUCH GRAVITAS
Photo by Dan Kitwood/Getty Images

We’ve batted this idea around for a long time, but the timing is right at last. Or, more appropriately phrased: The timing is less terrible than it would be any other day. This being the day after the NBA finals and the real dropoff into the depths of the offseason, we thought it was time to unleash it on the world. You’re welcome? You’re welcome.

Sex—or as we prefer to call it at all times with an arched eyebrow, “lovemaking”—is too important and too personal to trivialize with cheap sports metaphor, much less a direct comparison to an announced sporting event. It’s precious and it’s sacred; it holds the key to bringing new life in this world. It should be given the respect it deserves at all times, and never brought to the level of say, a random Sun Belt game broadcast at 9:30 pm on a Friday night in November.

Unfortunately, once you start imagining different voices calling it, you really can’t stop. This is because brains are evil, and they’re going to get these jokes off even if you don’t want them to get these jokes off. (<——phrasing?)

With that in mind, we present the EDSBS Field Guide to Announcers and How They Would Call Your Love Lives. Note: This list is not complete. If it were it would be a sign of even faster-encroaching mental illness than usual on the part of the author.

Jon Gruden

Pro: Sees action developing well ahead of time; good tactical mind

Con: Hands out unfortunate nicknames. “I call this guy PEYTON, cause if you see him you know you’re about to get a two minute drill. I call this other guy ELI, because sometimes you’re not sure if he’s ever done this before.”

Mike Breen

Pro: Steady patter, methodical, soothing most of the time. Also will yell out “BANG!” when appropriate

Cons: Will yell out “BANG!” when appropriate

Gus Johnson

Pro: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHMYGOD

Con: Also AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHMYGOD; May not know key players’ names, especially in a multiplayer situation

Verne Lundquist

Pro: Consummate professionalism; dulcet tones; versatile, and may call it like golf or the Iron Bowl, depending on the setting and mood.

Con: Too avuncular; may bust out the “OH MY” on players if they are having an off night, and there’s no recovery from that

Chris Webber

Pro: He’s just so proud y’all pulled this off and did it, he just couldn’t be prouder

Con: Sometimes is replaced by Shaq unexpectedly and no one wants that

Rece Davis

Pros: High levels of enthusiasm; consistent light touches of humor; knowledgable

Cons: Shows up with Jesse and David, and David will be mean if the execution is lacking

Phil Liggett

Pros: A gentleman who makes every ride on the Tour de France and beyond sound like a gentle, well-paced trip through a happy afterlife

Cons: May ask when riders are going to break for snacks

Andres Cantor

Pro: Enthusiastic, exuberant, speaks rapid Spanish that most American lovemakers probably don’t understand

Con: Goal call might not be finished before participants are

Jeff Van Gundy

Pros: knows a lot about the game

Cons: always kind of sounds like he'd like to get involved himself

Al Michaels

Pro: As an NFL announcer, be assured nothing negative will ever be said about anyone

Con: The heaviest Brooklyn accent in the business might impede arousal to an almost unmanageable degree

Mark Jackson

Pro: “MAMA THERE GOES THAT MAN”

Con: Will somehow make a catty remark about the Warriors firing him even if it’s not relevant to the action

Jim Nantz

Pros: Calm, measured, calls it accurately

Cons: Phil Simms would wander in and tell everyone about the conversation he had with Peyton Manning about what he saw on the tape, killing the mood

Ray Hudson

Pro: Colorful commentary, first-rank enthusiasm

Con: Incomprehensible metaphors may have record-scratch effect mid-action

Joe Buck

Pro: For those who prefer a minimal commentary footprint in their arena

Con: “That is a disgusting act”; pervasive sense of existential dread may dampen mood (or heighten it, we don’t know you freaks)

Doris Burke

Pro: Fair, but firm in her critiques; has all your stats memorized and ready to go

Con: Accurate in her critiques; has all your stats memorized and ready to go

Ian Darke

Pro: Triumphs will never be more robustly trumpeted or well-put

Con: If participants at sixes and sevens and making an absolute hash of things, Ian Darke is going to say it’s at sixes and sevens and making an absolute hash of things

Keith Jackson circa 1992

Pro: The moment becomes an instant classic simply with Keith Jackson’s presence

Con: Have to live up to Keith Jackson circa 1992 standards

Darryl Waltrip

Pro: Boundless energy; Colorful anecdotes of cheating at Bristol in 1983 may distract those who need distraction at crucial junctures

Con: BOOGITY BOOGITY BOOGITY; Might get overcome with emotion at the beauty of human emotion expressed on the physical plane and cry

Reggie Miller

Pro: Nope

Con: Reggie please stop talking we’re putting on our pajamas and going to get water we’ve been done for ten minutes now thanks

Vin Scully

Pro: Pure class

Con: Random anti-Hitler anecdotes may be too erotic for some; used to calling nine innings, and thus may be disappointed when the game ends stops well short of that

Bill Walton

Pro: Never ending cascades of descriptors and diversion, a panoply of onrushing adjectives and digressions into the minutiae of technique and their historical context, an unbridled sense of joy at the events unfolding before him; he’ll probably bring edibles; has seen Larry Bird naked so nothing will faze him in the body department

Con: Was in the NBA in the 70s and 80s, nothing anyone does will ever be good enough; Anecdotes about Navajo lovemaking techniques may be distracting

Doc Emrick

Pro: THE MOST INTENSE EXPERIENCE OF ANYONE’S LIFE RENDERED AT SPEED WITH PRECISION AND SUDDEN BURSTS OF ECSTASY AND HEARTBREAK AND ALMOST ASTRONOMICAL LEVELS OF COSMIC WONDER AND THATS BEFORE THE POWER PLAY MY GODDDDDDDD—-

Con: IF THIS WAS JUST GOING TO BE A SHORT THING BEFORE BED BECAUSE EVERYONE’S TIRED TOO BAD THIS IS GOING TO FOUR OTS AND 1 AM EST AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE