[SCENE: the doorstep of your family’s home, late Thursday morning]
YOU: [deep breath] Okay, we ready to go in?
YOUR SPOUSE: Of course. I know the holidays can be stressful, but it’s still nice to see family. And your mother always works so hard at making a huge meal.
YOU: You’re right. Okay, let’s do this.
ACTING UNIVERSITY PRESIDENT: Ah, yes, hello, please do come in. We’re very happy that you’ve gathered here today, in what we think is an important juncture for this family and program.
YOU: I’m... I’m sorry, what? Who are you? What’s going on? Mom, why are you sitting on the couch? I thought you loved cooking Thanksgiving dinner?
MOM: I’ll tell you what’s going on, this son of a-
ACTING UNIVERSITY PRESIDENT: After careful analysis of the situation, it was determined that your mother received improper benefits in direct violation of her contract, and-
MOM: THOSE TURKEYS WERE FREE, GREG, I’VE BEEN FILLING UP THE MALIBU AT KROGER FOR MONTHS TO EARN THAT, GODDAMNIT
ACTING UNIVERSITY PRESIDENT: - we felt it was in the best interest of all parties to suspend her cooking duties and name an interim chef for the remainder of the holiday season.
YOU: An interim chef? But who would even be availab-
[a small explosion can be heard from the kitchen]
[a man bursts through the door, on fire]
BRADY HOKE: AH GOSH JEEZITS THAT’S HOT OUCH OUCH OUCH HIYA FOLKS BE RIGHT WITH YA AHSONUVATRUMPET OUCH OUCH
[your father tackles him with a blanket, beating the flames out]
BRADY HOKE: HOO BOY THANK YOU SIR THAT WAS A CLOSE ONE SIR I THINK THERE’S SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOUR OVEN, MA’AM, THE POTATOES EXPLODED
[your mother rushes in to inspect the damage]
[she returns, angered further]
MOM: What in the hell did you even do? The oven is filled with potatoes. There must be 200 pounds jammed in there.
HOKE: WELL, YOU SEE, [clapping] I JUST... I just thought you all would like some potatoes, I like potatoes, they’re like underground French fry fists, and... [lip starts quivering]
ACTING UNIVERSITY PRESIDENT: That’s good, Brady, it’s okay. We all like potatoes. Why don’t you go in and work on the stuffing, okay?
HOKE: [whimpers, nods, returns to kitchen]
YOU: I still don’t quite understand how he caught fire there.
MOM: I still don’t understand why we’re putting up with this bullshit, BILL
DAD: Now, honey, let’s let the NCAA investigation play out, we don’t want to jeopardize Christmas too.
ACTING UNIVERSITY PRESIDENT: We’ve contracted a search firm to explore our options going forward, and we’re confident that the investment will pay o-
[another explosion can be heard in the kitchen]
ACTING UNIVERSITY PRESIDENT: I’ll be right back. [grabs blanket, heads to kitchen]
[a commotion can be heard]
ACTING UNIVERSITY PRESIDENT [audible through door]: WHY DID YOU MICROWAVE THE FLATWARE
HOKE: [muffled sobbing]
[the president pokes head out through door]
ACTING UNIVERSITY PRESIDENT: We’ll just be a moment.
MOM: Is this how long we’ve sunk as a family? Is it my fault that things got to this point? Things used to be really great around here. In the ‘90s, we’d have a full house, and you all were excited to be here! We’d have the best Thanksgiving on the block. Every year, people knew it!
DAD: Well, except for ‘97, but-
MOM: I AM NOT TALKING ABOUT 1997
DAD: Anyways, hon, I think the thing is, we have to change and recognize that it’s not the ‘90s anymore, and our situation isn’t the same. Maybe this’ll be the change we needed as a family. Maybe we needed to hit rock bottom this Thanksgiving so we could finally take that next step as a family.
[the kitchen door opens again]
ACTING UNIVERSITY PRESIDENT: We're pleased to announce that we have agreed to terms with a new Thanksgiving chef. While we are appreciative of Coach Hoke’s contributions in getting through this difficult time for our program, we’ve decided to mutually part ways in the best interest of all parties. Isn’t that right, Brady?
HOKE: [nods] [bursts into flames] Ah darnit
DAD: [grabbing blanket] I got it.
MOM: So, you assholes are finally giving me my kitchen back, huh?
ACTING UNIVERSITY PRESIDENT: What? Oh, no, we found someone the fans really wanted. Paid top dollar.
[an explosion can be heard from the patio]
[patio door is flung open]
JON GRUDEN: HAPPY THANKSGIVING, FAMILY, I TELL YOU, THIS IS A DAY WHERE I PERSONALLY LIKE TO BE THANKFUL BY GIVING THANKS, I CALL IT GIVINTHANKFULDAY, AND BOOM, THE TURKEY’S ALMOST READY. I HAVEN’T COOKED A MEAL SINCE 2008 AND THAT WAS A PIZZA. PEPPERONI. CHEESE. SAUCE. DOUGH. GLAD FOR THIS OPPORTUNITY TO RETURN TO MY ROOTS, THOUGH. NOW, THEY SAY YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO FRY A FROZEN TURKEY ‘CAUSE IT’LL EXPLODE, BUT YOU WANT THAT EXPLOSIVENESS. BOOM. LOOK AT THIS TURKEY. CHARRED ON THE OUTSIDE, FROZEN SOLID ON THE INSIDE. HITS YOUR TASTE BUDS WITH TWO DIFFERENT SENSATIONS, IT’S LIKE MIKE ALSTOTT AND WARRICK DUNN. POW.
MOM: This is a terrible idea.
ACTING PRESIDENT: Nonsense, look at the interest we’ve generated in the program. [gestures outside, to where neighbors have gathered to watch your father try to extinguish Brady Hoke again]
GRUDEN: I LIKE THAT GUY, I CALL HIM CLAPPYFIRE. NOW, WHO WANTS ICEMEAT AND WHO WANTS CHAR?