GUS MALZAHN, surveying the wrecked field at Jordan-Hare Stadium after this weekend's Kenny Chesney/Miranda Lambert concert: Oh, my goodness. I haven't seen anything look this bad on this field since November. I'm gonna have to give that Chesney fella a real talking-to about this mess.
[Kenny Chesney rolls up in a Jeep Wrangler covered in "Life Is Good"-branded stickers]
KENNY CHESNEY, dressed from head to toe in Auburn gear: Mornin', Mr. Bluth. Hey, I'm real sorry 'bout y'all's field, sure didn't mean to 'cause quite a ruckus, but here we are. It's like I sing in my song "Sure Didn't Mean To Cause Quite A Ruckus, But Here We Are", [singing] well it was housesittin' for your sister in East Tennessee / And I understand you're probably a little mad at me, 'cause I sure didn''-"
MALZAHN: Please don't do that.
CHESNEY, whispering: "mean to cause a ruckus, but here we are-"
MALZAHN: You've really thrown a wrench into our spring practice schedule. I need to have our kids out on this field prepping for next season. We kick off here against Clemson in just over four months, and we're not ready.
CHESNEY, now covered in Georgia gear: Now, listen, Hank, I understand you're upset, sure do. I know how important lawn care is to a man. It's like I sang on my album "No Gas, No Grass, No Problem", [pulls microphone out of pocket] "Well I was hitchin' a ride 'cross the Bluegrass State / My tank had run dry an' I was runnin' late / It was January and the grass was dead / Then you drove up with that pretty face on your head, and I thought-"
MALZAHN: that- that'll be enough, Mr. Chesney. The athletic department will be sending your touring company a bill for the damages.
CHESNEY, seated atop Ralphie the Buffalo: now, Ms. Pfefferman, I know you wanna get this grass lookin' all nice and fresh again soon, but I don't have the liquid cash at the moment. I will - I swear on my beloved Seattle Supersonics that I'll pay you back, just as I swore in my #1 hit, "I'm Not Good For You, But I'm Good For It" [stands up on Ralphie's back, begins belting] "Well you said I'm no good, and you sure did call it / When we went to Qdoba and I forgot my wallet-"
MALZAHN: the Supersonics left Seattle, Mr. Chesney.
CHESNEY, wearing 15 giveaway t-shirts from the most recent Oklahoma City Thunder game: [gasps] when?
MALZAHN: I'm trying to be fair here, but I'm losing patience. Not just with my ruined field, but also with your cloyingly inoffensive brand of airport-gift-shop country music and your relentlessly rudderless glomming onto sports fandoms.
YOUPPI: zut alors!
MALZAHN: what the heck
CHESNEY, removing Youppi head: nah it's just me Kenny [a St. Louis Blues jersey is barely visible under the Youppi costume] [without segue] "Wayll I'm a big orange cat thing from Montreaaaaal, and I'm here to take your daughter to the fireman's baaaaall / but I lost the keys to the bullpen car, over a game of darts in a Chicago bar"
MALZAHN: [arms crossed, just fuming]
CHESNEY: That's from my new album, "Can I Borrow Your Toyota Tonight, Mr. Wendelstadt"
MALZAHN: did Toyota pay you to write that?
CHESNEY: Honda did
CHESNEY: [suddenly dressed in Yomiuri Giants gear, slamming noisemakers together and chanting] 私は夜にあなたを中に押し込むために1になるだろう、すべてが大丈夫である私に従っ
MALZAHN: are you okay, son? I mean, do you need help? Is there anyone in your life that you can talk to like a person?
CHESNEY: I'm more of a lone wolf, as I noted in my smash hit "I Don't Need Anything But My Dog, An Ice-Cold Shock Top, And My Portland Timbers Season Tickets", "Well my honey and I were in stoppage time / but I wasn't too lonely, was actually feelin' fine / I got my scarf and a craft beer at Providence Park / an' I smuggled in my Maltipoo, Mr. Sassybark, and I said-"
MALZAHN: I can't help but notice that all these songs work to the melody of "Follow Me".
CHESNEY, while dotting the "I" in a Script Ohio that has formed around him: Well, that was one of my biggest hits.
MALZAHN: It was Uncle Kracker.
CHESNEY: is there a difference?
MALZAHN: not really, no.
CHESNEY: well, listen, I'm sorry to break things up here, Mr. Trexler, but I've got a real busy day ahead of me. I'm runnin' the Olympic torch through Brasilia this afternoon, and then I've gotta be back to run the draft room for the Philadelphia Eagles tomorrow night, but have your folks call my assistant Sandra, she'll get you some new trees planted right away.
MALZAHN: Trees? We're talking about the stadium grass.
CHESNEY: [voice growing distant as he escapes in a hot air balloon] "Well I like hangin' out with normal country folks / and I framed Harvey Updyke for killin' them oaks / I'm a man of many interests with a mischievous side / I like Yeti coolers and the Crimson Tide, I'm singin' follow me, everything is alright..."
MALZAHN [on cell phone]: Hey, Jay, it's Gus. You got any friends at the Air National Guard?