clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

THE MC SAYS THERE IS NO QB CONTROVERSY AT ALABAMA

New, 946 comments

STOP, SOME THINGS ARE DESTINY (LIKE HAIR)

Oh please:

In a wide-open quarterback battle that could continue until the season opener, Cooper Bateman has emerged as a serious contender to be Alabama's starter against Wisconsin.

Now it's not entirely improbable. Cooper Bateman does pass certain tests for eligibility as an Alabama quarterback, and as a quarterback in general. He has a name that works forward and backwards, for one, fulfilling one of the universal rules for quarterback eligibility. (See: Manning Peyton, Rodgers Aaron, Newton Cameron, Dalton Andrew, Namath Joseph, Daniel Chase, McCarron Raymond, Rivers Philip, Winston Jameis, Ryan Matt, and hundreds of others.) He is sort of an unheralded game manager type, allegedly, which is also perfect for a certain type of Alabama fan who keeps an oil painting of Jay Barker handing off to a running back in their Tide shrine room.

But Cooper Bateman cannot start for Alabama for one important reason. This is his hair.

CooperBatemanHairDeficiency

...and this is Jacob Coker's hair.

JacobCokerBamaHair

To illustrate this a little more clearly.

CooperLightChop

And now Jacob Coker's classic Bama bangs, and why they're more appropriate for the job. (Even at FSU, he was destined to transfer to Alabama.)

CokerBang

It could happen, sure. But in the meantime seek thee a Tuscaloosa barber if you want that starting job, son. You have to commit to the Process, and the Process starts with the helmet under the helmet.