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ALL THE BOWLS REVIEWED AT LENGTH AND WE MEAN AT LENGTH

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My God, can Gary Patterson destroy a bathroom. The Poinsettia Bowl officials have been warned, but there's so much in the bowl season you need to be wary of: the Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl's potentially fatal sorrow, the Bumfights revival taking place between Ohio State and Florida in Jacksonville (hint: Florida is the one who gets "Bumfights" tattooed on its forehead,) the Belk Bowl and all the bland slacks it brings.

The list is a long one--like, 4,000 words long--but it's necessary for the future of your mental health.

Did we rank the Hawai'i Bowl high on that list, both because it allows us to avoid family AND watch outrageously undisciplined football at the same time? You're damn right we did. DId we put the Champs Sports Bowl and Cap One Bowl really, really low on the list because they'll both be played with sloppy execution and disappointed teams? Yes we did. Did we insist that getting Toledo in the Military Bowl was the best thing that will happen to you on December 28th? AFFIRMATIVE, SOLDIER. Does each of these feature commentary from a stupid family member who doesn't watch college football? Well, just like your real viewing of these games, it certainly does. Enjoy.

(P.S. That's what we've been doing today. We will now lie down and cry for a bit.)