The Big East holds its annual springconference call. A single, starfish-shaped conference phone sits on a table in the rented office space holding its headquarters.
VOICE: Your free conference call has begun.
[DING]
DULCIMER MUSIC
/flips tire
Charlie. Strong.
[DING]
Doug Marrone, Syracuse and Holiday Road Cruises.
[DING]
/Camaro
Yo. We gettin' started?
[DING]
John Marinatto, Big East.
Silence.
Where's the commish?
/buys second Camaro
/tries to make them mate and have Camaro babies
/doesn't understand that cars aren't alive
DULCIMER MUSIC, SOUND OF WHITTLING
That's me, Dave. I thought we'd get started and wait for the others to show. We've got lots of exciting--
We'd like to offer you a five day, two night package to Aruba. Now, I know you're asking how much it's gonna cost, and that's what's so freakin' great about this: $125 a night per person. That's right! Just--
Seriously? Damn, that's cheap. Keep talking. My pants are on, but that belt's loosening.
/trades in Camaro he just bought for identical Camaro
I'm sorry, but i have to ask if you're on another call of any sort, you should hang up as we have a lot to discuss this afternoon, gentlemen.
[DING!]
Hey guys. Randy Edsall, UConn.
We have a Canadian team?
/benches HVAC unit
Never heard of you or your pansy ass Canuck team, pal.
/builds house made of Camaros
We're in Connecticut.
SOUND OF WHITTLING
Hoo-wee! Lacrosse team!
We play football. I'm the football coach.
Well, best of luck to you in your first year. As I was saying, we have--
SOUND OF BEYONCE PLAYING
All my single ladies! /high voice
All my single ladies! /low voice
All my single ladies! /high voice
Did you know that for just an additional $55 dollars you can debark in Port-au-Prince? Beautiful Port-Au-Prince...
Coach Marrone, what are you doing?
Just a little side thing I got going here with selling cruises. Easiest money I ever made. Gotta have something to fall back on, right? I can hear everything you're saying, so no worries. Yes, you too, ma'am.We take Visa. I'm listening to everyone here.
That's right! Get paid and get laid!
/puts "pussy magnet" license plate on Camaro
[DING]
This is the automated call participant designated for "UNIVERSITY OF CINCINNATI." The replacement for the replacement for the replacement of Brian Kelly has since resigned. All comments are being recorded until a replacement has been hired.
Okay, now that we're just waiting on Schiano and Holtz, let's get to work. There's--
/drops 340 pound clean and jerk.
Sorry. There's a hole in the floor now.
Plant a seed in your basement, my daddy used to say, and you'll have a tree up your ass in no time.
That something you want happening there?
/whittles
/buy third camaro
/attempts camaro menage a trois
I'd first like to say that the state of our conference is challenged, but not weak.
Whew, that's a load off this old mule, I was afraid--
Hey, we're going to 16 teams. Want a new musket?
/skedaddles
Hey! We have counter-offers! And a theoretical tv contract!
You can count on me. I'm going nowhere.
/flashes tits
/drops barbell
/joins SEC
Losers!
/checks out chick in tight jeans while revving Camaro at light
WE'VE GOT CHROME FOR YOUR DICKROCKET STACHE-DADDY.
/peels out in Camaro, leaves four Camaros behind.
Hey! Seriously, this is--
[DING]
Rutgers here. We miss anything?
So great to see you, jeez, it's been a crazy--
ROTEL AND DOLLARS! DANCE SCHIAN-HO!
/tosses dollars
/drops it like it's hot
/gets wasted like a white boy
/joins Big Ten
/hangs self
Pause
Pause
Pause
[DING]
Skip Holtz, USF. So happy to be starting my first season in the Big East. I miss anything?
Not on these great cruise deals, my friend. Not on these great cruise deals.