NICE CATCH BUT SO STYLE POINTS DO NOT BEAT BAD FOOTBALL DECISIONS. We will now mock the ever-loving shit out of every bowl game as hard as we can. The maximum amount of mockery was applied to the Beef O'Brady's Bowl, and lo! did we actually see real live competitive football content for the first time this bowl season. Austin Davis, what are you doing over there? You're not a wide receiver! WHY ARE YOU CATCHING THE BALL SO FLUIDLY AND WITH ONLY ONE HAND?
That play would be the highlight for Southern Miss, who played an excellent offensive game but neglected to bring defense or special teams. Louisville's Bilal Powell is one of those horrible sales tax running backs: no, not eating away at you in big bites, but rather taking his percentages with a methodical slamming into the line. Once Southern Miss did what mediocre teams do--giving up a kickoff return for a TD after scoring a go-ahead TD--Louisville was able to play ahead of the clock, smash up the line with Powell runs, and do what defensive teams love almost as much as concussing quarterbacks. They won by a field goal.
TODAY...IS OUR INDEPENDENCE DAY. The informal understanding that Steve Addazio, excellent offensive line coach and horrendous playcaller and offensive coordinator, will be fired after Muschamp hires his own offensive staff remains. His landing place was a mystery until yesterday, thus ending Temple fans' morbid curiosity/horror at the possibility of having the Divemaster command their football team. Addazio will be the offensive line coach, something he excels at, for the Texas Longhorns. No, really, he's quite good at that. We're not lying. We have no reason to do this, since you're not in the SEC and therefore not in the perpetual web of mindgames and lies with our rivals we call "conversation." In an unrelated note, man, that Mike Bobo is a helluva coordinator.
ALL OF EARTH WILL BOW TO MOL-NAR. Temple will interview Notre Dame offensive coordinator Charley Molnar for their head coaching job, and all humans will recognize Mol-Nar's alien superiority.
TATTOOS OF JIM TRESSEL ARE THE ONLY ACCEPTABLE METHOD OF PAYMENT. If Ohio State is going to get into a tiny brouhaha over players trading autographs for tats, please let the secret of Ohio State's Cult of Tressel please surface at last: all players at tOSU are required to get Tressel's smiling head tattooed on their body somewhere as a sign of loyalty, and have been required to do so since 2001. The last player to refuse the brand? Mo Clarett, and look how that turned out. #TressGotThatIsraeliGangstaHookup
FUNNY WE SHOULD DISCUSS ILLEGAL BENEFITS. Nick Saban should whistle theatrically from the podium when asked about how Alabama dollars are going to end up on the field at Dr. Phillips high school in the form of improvements to the school's facilities, especially when someone brings up a certain safety prospect at the school. We're not crying skullduggery, Alabama, but rather admiring the endless hustle.
ANOTHER CHAPTER IN THE SURPRISINGLY CHIPPY RIVALRIES OF THE HIGH PLAINS. Girlse State, y'all! Sort of thinking Utah is now going to get their ass double-kicked in the Maaco Vegas Bowl tonight, since they were likely due for a crowbar-ing anyway. Byron Hout is going to totally wreck some shit, but first he's got to get his nice shirt out of the closet LEGARRETTE BLOUNT OUT OF NOWHERE FALCON PUNCH---
YAAAYYYYY CLIP SHOW. "Most fun stuff you can't do." The television contract for House Rock Built's puppet-based football show is so in need of becoming real.