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A LIST OF THINGS CAM NEWTON THROWS OUT THE WINDOW

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"The Heisman Trophy?" Newton said. "You can throw that out the window."--Cam Newton. 

1. The Heisman. 

2. Hot laptop. "Been there, not cool."

3. Nick Saban's short ass. "Midget Airlines, Flight one-oh-bitchface, departing now." 

4. Fluorescent light tubes. "Like the sound they make." 

5. Children. "But only if there's a trampoline below, and padding surrounding it on all sides, because while Cam Newton loves throwing things out of windows, Cam Newton also loves keeping it real--real safe." 

6. Pies. "A classic." 

7. Paper airplanes. "Cheap entertainment in Opelika that just keeps on giving." 

8. Tim Tebow. "Only because he flies out unharmed on angel's wings." 

9. Jim Brown holding a copy of "Our Bodies, Ourselves." "Because I like irony and I'm a feminist." 

10. A fish. "So it can pretend it's salmon, the fish all fish aspire to be." 

11. A fuck. "I don't know how to do it, but science will create the first flying fuck, and Cam Newton will be the one to do it by throwing one out the window and therefore securing a Nobel for Auburn. Suck it, Myron Rolle." 

12. Liquid nitrogen. "That shit's crazy." 

13. Garbage can full of super balls. 

14. Pat Dye. "He's cool with it as long as I drop him into a tub of Dewar's." 

15. Carnies. "I can't say why, but they know. OH THEY KNOW." 

16. A window. "Because can something empty really ever fall? Cam's DEEP." 

17. Bobby Petrino. "Who's got the air game now, bitch?" 

18. Balloons. "For the kids."