EDSBS'S BEST IN CLASS: WEEK 7

Additional reporting by Doug Gillett. In which we reward the highlights and lesser luminaries of Week 7:

  SUPERSTAR! The interesting thing* about Cam "Cameron" Newton is how judicious he is with his yardage. His continued ability to put up WAC-style points on SEC attempts is at least a consistent oddity in a season full of inconsistent ones.

*The other interesting thing is how quickly Auburn fans have gotten into lockstep regarding The Laptop Episode. Separate any three Plainspeople you see and make a joke about his criminal record. Their angry monotonic talking points spat back at you will be identical down to the syllable. He didn't know it was stolen that doesn't count! (Then why did he throw it out the window?) WE'RE GONNA WIN THE ARN BOWL! Uncanny.

  ADEQUATE! Tyler Wilson, we salute you. The confusion surrounding Ryan Mallett's injury seemed to make a lot of people forget Wilson was not merely a backup, but a Bobby Petrino quarterback. By the time he threw his first pick, he was something like 17 of 19 for 291 yards and four touchdowns. We believe this may be the first time we've awarded the ADEQUATE sticker with even a modicum of genuine goodwill. 

  YOU TRIED! [This space intentionally left blank, on account of we were all set to award it to An Ohio State University, only to realize they didn't try, at all.]

  IMPROVING! EASTERN MOTHERFUCKING MICHIGAN WINS A GAME, WHICH TOTALLY COUNTS EVEN THOUGH IT WAS AGAINST BALL STATE. Because the last time the [whatever their mascot is, plural] got to put one in the W column was in November 2008. Let's let them have this, shall we?

  HAND UP! Oh, for fuck's sake:

[Via Bubbaprog, as ever]

  TAKE TURNS! So genteel of Mack Brown to let Nebraska have a run in the top ten, before reminding the Huskers that Texas was, is, and remains Texas, world without end, amen. /bitchmentality'd

  SIT STILL! We honestly thought Oklahoma had a bye in Week 7 until about three minutes ago. Playing Iowa State will give that impression. 

  CREATIVE! To LSU, who we swore was going to beat McNeese State by a last-minute field goal but who stretched their margin of victory to 22, and to UTEP, who fulfilled their destiny of "being UTEP" by sustaining their second loss of the season to 1-4 UAB. We bet money on that game. We know. Mike Price is a harsh mistress. 

  BUSY BEE! Against a deceptively un-stingy Cal defense Saturday (look at their top-ten unit rankings, and then look at their schedule), Matt Barkley wrecked quite a bit of shop, throwing for 352 yards and five touchdowns.

   TEACHER'S PET! The Purple Pirates of East Carolina would like everyone to know that Tom O'Brien is eating paste in the corner, has been sticking his pencils in his ears, and is not a very good football coach.

  GOOD HELPER! Penn Wagers is the bridesmaid who holds up every last wedding photo by flipping her hair over and brushing it one hundred strokes between each shot, because THIS IS ABOUT HIM AND DON'T YOU FORGET IT.

  GRAPE JOB! First, to Maryland, an object of some curiosity in the newsroom Saturday when an idle blogger wondered aloud whether the Terps' bizarrely competent 4-1 season was being overshadowed by a generally crummy year for the ACC. A decisive loss to Climpson puts them back where we need them, just another face in the eventual 7-5 scrum.

And second, crucially, grapeishly, to Army, whose three-point loss to Rutgers (COME ON) robbed us of our favorite meaningless stat of 2010, wherein all three service academies had better records than Notre Dame.

A NOTE ON THE "JAUNTY FLAMING POSSUM-EATING DRAGON SPIRALING TO EARTH" CATEGORY: We received an overwhelming and brilliant flood of submissions depicting this nigh-indefinable state, and are so pleased with the turnout that we couldn't possibly choose one ourselves to use today. There will be a reader poll this week to determine the winning sticker. You are all the realest bitches alive, and artistic geniuses to boot.