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FRIDAY INJURY REPORT, WEEK SEVEN

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The intermittently published EDSBS Injury List keeps you abreast of the most important injuries in college football. These are all factual and backed up by ironclad sources. 

JEFF TARPINIAN, IOWA: Linebacker, out due to Acute Hawkmania

THE EDSBS LIVER: Dinged, and should be. It's midseason, and the pool filter of your body should be under some serious stress. 

JOHN BRANTLEY, FLORIDA: Broken hand, broken ribs, broken leg, broken femur, cracked sternum, torn labrum, lorn tabrum, ingrown toenail, small brain bleed, broken tailbone, dislocated jaw, broken orbital bone, four missing teeth, strained retina, knife 

JAKE STONEBURNER, OHIO STATE: Ankle, but that's bullshit. He's "Jake Stoneburner." Bring an axe, try to chop him down. Go buy another fucking axe, because Jake Stoneburner doesn't break for the wind, rain, fire, time, or a crew of determined loggers. 

WILL COMPTON, NEBRASKA: Nebraska LB may play this weekend. Additional tweaks in foot will be treated with application of Bo Pelini's magical healing chewing gum. 

JULIO JONES, ALABAMA: Hand, which Nick Saban refused to call "broken," but instead was "improved in its bone count by the forceful division of one metacarpal in a process which is part of the process." As impressive as Jones' new hand is, "It hasn't done shit this year," according to the Alabama coach. 

GREG MCELROY, ALABAMA: Freckles, probable. 

JEFF DEMPS, FLORIDA: Broken right stabilizer, cracked flux capacitor. Probable. 

SCOTT TOLZIEN, WISCONSIN: Smashed finger on non-throwing hand from barnraising. Will play. 

KANSAS FOOTBALL: Dead. Unable to call for help prior to death due to lack of cell phone. 

TIM BREWSTER: Terminal vocational cancer. Possibly euthanized on Saturday pending results of tests. 

KYLE RUDOLPH, NOTRE DAME: Hamstring, out for duration of three NBC commercial breaks. (Rest of season.) 

DERRICK LOCKE, KENTUCKY: Stingers in both shoulders.  UPDATE: It SUCKS to be Derrick Locke right now. 

JIM TRESSEL, OHIO STATE: Suffering ilngering effects of his own youthful sex appeal.