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CURIOUS INDEX, 1/27/2010

WAAAAAAAH BUT HE'S GOT SHORT ARMS. Pro scouts seem to be caught between being dog show judges and actual evaluators of football talent. Take the criticisms of Tim Tebow: all totally legitimate for the pro game, especially ones like Brian Billick's succinct take on his loopy throwing motion and mechanics. These will be problems when you cut 98% of the people you play against, take the top 2%, and turn them into a lightning fast NFL defense with the ability to turn slow releases into turnovers and batted passes.

Then, there's Brandon Graham. There he is, saying "Hi, I spent the entire year getting double teamed on a terrible defense and still wrecked shit like my name was Haitian McSichuan Earthquake."

How'd you know my spirit name?

We have powers, Brandon. Graham is clearly a badass who's been beating ass left and right in Senior Bowl practices this week, but OMG HE'S GOT MIDGET ARMS.

One knock against Graham already is that at the Senior Bowl weigh-in, his arms only measured 30 ½ inches, which is considered short for a pass rusher.

He was also weak in the fetlocks, a half-centimeter off on the ear length, showed too much exuberance when his trainer paraded him around the ring, and defecated on the ramp prior to competition due to nerves and excitement. Other than that, he's perfect and a great football player you should probably draft if you want a superb player. Oh, wait. You might not understand that. Let's put it in parlance you can properly understand.

Jon Gruden: THIS GUY just loves to play FOOTBALL. He's got a REAL MOTOR. He may not have PRETTY APE ARMS, but this guy just MAKES PLAYS. His teammates love him. He plays so hard his teammates call him DURACELL BECAUSE HE JUST KEEPS GOING AND GOING. I LOVE this guy!

Other announcer: DURACELL? That's crazy!

Jon Gruden: I know! It's like Salsa! It's crazy, but you just keep eating the stuff! FOOTBALL.

Mockery of the NFL Industrial Complex over.

VT/Boise on Labor Day weekend SCREW YOU CHIPPEWAS. Apologies, but your inconvenience benefits the nation as a whole, CMU: Central Michigan loses a game to Virginia Tech because Boise and the enormous semi-truck full of testicles they haul around with them everywhere they go will play Virginia Tech in Blacksburg, pushing CMU's game back to October 9th. Exit light! Enter night! Take my hand! IT'S OFF TO CRAZY TRICK PLAYLAND YEAH-HEH!!!! (Not from VT, who will and should run the ball 55 times with Darren Evans and Ryan Williams.)

Correction: The game will be at FedEx field, located a convenient ninety miles away from Washington, DC.

If it's Wednesday: and the sun is out, and you're breathing, then it must be a last-ditch effort by [NAME REDACTED] to save his job and him denying that he has to save his job because he doesn't think like that. The "like that" portion of that sentence is entirely unnecessary.

WILLY KORN! Going to Marshall, where we will keep a distant eye on him and his amazing powers.

I promise: If, in a parallel universe in an infinite number of universes, Tim Tebow were actually somehow born as a genetically-fucked rapist pedophile, you wouldn't see another rapist pedophile play as hard as he would, or push his fellow rapist pedophiles as hard as he would. Alternate universe rapist pedophile Tim Tebow promises you that. And in another universe where Joy Behar is worth listening to, she said something intelligent about all of this, like "Will it show next to a commercial for Mass Effect 2, because that game looks awesome and I want to buy it, and who cares?" BTW, thanks for clarifying on the "rapist pedophile." (There's the sexy, seductive pedophiles out there, too, and they certainly don't want to be lumped in with the nasty, rape-y ones.)