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Always bring a towel. Notice anything particularly eye-popping in the top ten of Rivals' current recruiting classes? Besides Texas A&M's ten-spot? Good, you see Auburn there, too, and we're not just having the usual caffeine-induced aneurysm. (It tastes like apples, but it's an orange.) One can only credit Auburn's sexy white limousines and THE TROOPER, who continues to prove that kids are mesmerized by waving towels and galloping tales of trench warfare.

Big Ten Speed (to the remote control) The Big Ten's television swing was the most significant of any conference, and no, that's not because some SEC fans are too poor to own televisions. (At the least we'll steal them.) The weirdest numbers from the numbers Jon Solomon crunched come in Florida State making the biggest ratings swing in bowl games they played in since 2002, but if you consider the bowls Florida State slummed in through that span--the Music City, the Gator, etc--then their profile does explain their exaggerated effect on ratings. They're Kenny Rogers at the Henricksons' casino, the old headliner playing a few notches below their potential at a Blackfoot casino in the hinterlands.

What do you mean you won't give me your girlfriend's number? Ed Orgeron was "irate" when denied Tennessee recruiting materials during the mad scramble out of Knoxville, though Joel does ask the question of how would one differentiate this from any other emotional state of Ed Orgeron's. (Answer: the spines on his back are unusually prominent.)

"We don't have billionaires, just Boudin. We can use it as a weapon." "Mr. Miles" may be the best summation of LSU fans' current sentiments toward Les Miles, though we disagree on Crowton, who is clearly some kind of poetic genius working so far above the bar set by other confrontational comics like Zack Galifianakis that the rest of us don't even realize what he's doing. The option to the short side of the field on first down after any substantive game isn't a play, man: it's a statement about people's invariable tendency to return rat-like to the same patterns over and over again even if they don't work. It's not Crowton's fault if you don't get his art-house humor. If you want the easy, crass laughs of someone who tries to score, well, you can go to Mississippi State for all he cares.

If you doubt most NFL Franchises strive to look just competitive enough without totally embarrassing themselves just to tap into the NFL's profit-sharing pipeline while employing middling, recycled coaching talent: QED, motherfucker.