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THE LANE KIFFIN USC PRESS CONFERENCE

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SCENE: Los Angeles, CA. The USC Campus. A room of reporters wait for Lane Kiffin. AD MIKE GARRETT paces nervously in the background. An AIDE waits with him.

Aide: What do you want me to do?

Garrett: Stall. Just stall them a little longer. I'll get to the bottom of this. Just tell them Orgeron bit a raccoon and they're cutting his head off to see if he's rabid or something.

Aide: Orgeron's head, sir?

Garrett: Wouldn't be the first time. Whatever. Just keep them busy 'till I figure this out.

GARRETT runs to the corner to take a hurried call. Reporters notice a colleague looking at a laptop. The reporter begins pointing to his laptop frantically. They huddle.

Aide: Sir, the reporters are--

Reporter: IT'S STARTING!!!!

Reporter two: Oh god--

Garrett: Wait, he's not even here, and I can't get him on a HOLY MULEFUCKING SHIT.

The ESPN News online feed shifts, comes into focus. ALL GASP.

Mumbling very quickly, Lane Kiffin begins addressing the crowd of reporters assembled in a conference room at South Carolina.

Garett: Oh, you have to be fucking kidding me.

Lane Kiffin: Hello, everyone. It's an exciting time to be a Gamecock, that's for sure. I can promise you a few things. I can promise that you'll be real excited about this program. I can't wait to run out of the tunnel to 2010. I can't wait to beat Furman in Death Valley. I can't wait to take shirtless pictures of our players oiled up and wearing chains in front of a--

Examines the colors of the backdrop behind him.

--red and black sports car of some make and model. I can't wait to bring the passion and excitement our staff brings with us wherever you go. Here's my wife. She has tits.

Garrett: Oh god. He's at USC. The other one.

Aide: Why hasn't anyone told them they're in South Carolina? And that there's already a coach there?

On the screen, KIFFIN continues.

Kiffin: And now, I'd like to introduce assistant head coach and recruiting coordinator Ed Orgeron.

Garrett: That's why.

ED FUCKING ORGERON steps shirtless to the mike. He holds a rooster in his hand. The rooster has a Glock strapped to either leg with duct tape.

Orgeron: DISSANEW MASCOT ANNA NEW FIGHTSONG! LEARNIT ANNA LOVEITAH!!!

REPORTERS die from pleasure.

Garrett: Someone get me a seven million dollar check and Jon Gruden's phone number.

Aide: Seriously, where the hell is Spurrier?

Augusta National, 11th hole. STEVE SPURRIER is having a pastoral moment.

His phone rings.

Spurrier: clears throat Ballcoach here.

Assistant: Coach, Lane Kiffin's here to take your job. Says he's been named new head coach.

Spurrier: Really?

Assistant: Yeah. You gonna do something about that?

Spurrier: ...

Assistant: ....

Spurrier: ....

Assistant: Well?

CALL ENDED.

FIN