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JUAN OF THE RIVER DECLINES USC JOB

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Just play this to set the atmosphere.

Juan of the River sat down at the table in the office. He wore a simple pancho. His sombrero sat in the corner with his pistoleros left in a pile in the corner, because Juan of the River was a gentleman and did not wear his pistols at the table of peace.

He told the rancheros of USC that he could not leave his own people to tend their hacienda. He was deeply sorry, but there were things to do. First-round playoff games to blow. NCAA sanctions to avoid. Suits to be worn stylishly on the sidelines.

His people needed him, because when Juan of the River gave them a promise, he kept it for his people. For El Villa De Jacksonville. For libertad. For the knowledge that after he was fired, he would simply be hired back, because if Ricardo Jauron was any indication, NFL coaches were never really fired. No, they were shuffled like cards with each turn and never thrown in the discard pile.

This was the life Juan of the River wanted. This was the life he had.

And like that, he rode into the sunset, but not before uttering this:

"Jon Gruden would be both expensive, inconvenient, and a possible disaster. It is to him you should look.

And then Juan of the River rode off, his Magic Punter-Killing Axe in hand, never to return.

(Image via BurritoBrosShits.)