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Rolando McClain missed media day with what is being called a stomachache, and with what our sources have identified as "a case of eating bad tacos."

Now if we told you that, on a vacation to a European city, you suddenly took ill with hair loss, vomiting, spontaneous internal bleeding, and fatigue. This all came after dining at a Russian tea room with an acquaintance of yours who had during college spent a semester studying international relations and the Russian language in Moscow. Naturally, you would assume you had been given radioactive tea, and most likely because of that article you wrote about the killing of prominent critics of the current Russian leadership. Too bad for you.

Now: what do Texans pride themselves on? Besides the wanton use of firearms, Vince Young, titties, and the innate supremacy of their good-but-let's-not-go-overboard-you-hipster-shitbags music scene?* That's right: Mexican food. Go anywhere and Texans will whinge and bemoan the current unacceptable state of their taco, sometimes even doing this while standing in the middle of a restaurant in Oaxaca, because "Mexican food in Texas is better than Mexican food made in Mexico!"

Observe my techniques, Mack. Learn them well.

And if Rolando McClain just happened to get sick off some bad tacos? Mack Brown is more Putin and less Matlock than we could have ever hoped he would be. CONSPIRACY! CONSPIRACY? CONSPIRACY-- (He's going to play, but if you see Mack casually eating a fish taco and staring at McClain before a key down, you'll know the score.)

*Austin only.