For fact-type analysis, Holly’s preview is as good as you’ll get, but consider this to be your open thread for the Champs Sports Bowl, where Wisconsin fans hopefully will watch out for each other better than they have in the past. You can’t do that in the savage streets of Orlando, where you’ll be kidnapped and butchered for parts by the degenerates who serve as costumed characters for the theme parks.

We compare the Eagle Bank Bowl to something else you could watching at 4:30.

Factor: Entertaining Curiosity.

Opponent: Con-Air, somewhere in its second hour on Encore.

Oh, it’s never a fair fight when you’re battling Nic Cage in hair extensions. As curious as the sight of Temple in a bowl game may be, a movie featuring Cage being somehow convicted of murder in a self-defense case, sent aboard a plane full of the nation’s most dangerous criminals, and then somehow ending up in the arms of his wife and daughter after crash-landing on the Vegas strip is far, far less believable than a Temple bowl appearance. (more…)

1. Via GoBearcats.com: Mardy Gilyard, Cincy Wide Receiver and gourmand on his childhood of what we’ll call “cooking on a budget:”

“Take a mayonaisse sandwich, toast it just slightly and it will taste like a porterhouse”

2. University of Oregon offensive coordinator Mark Helfrich on Oregon’s running backs (via Ken Gordon.

“LaMichael is our guy, and LeGarrette gives us a good counter-punch.”

Love you forever, Falcon Punch gif.

The Big Ten has concerns, like having one All-American, saving money by throwing nickels at low-wattage coaching hires, and making sure cable subscribers have full access to 24 hours of women’s volleyball a day. That last one is not a critique, because female volleyball players are very attractive and play in outfits specially designed to show off their levitating assmeat withstand the rigors of the sport. The rest of the Big Ten’s network’s programming is cheap and abundant, especially the home improvement show Bill Lynch does for free where he makes something, almost finishes it, and then has another Big Ten coach set it on fire just before the end.

“Bill Lynch Makes Nice Things, And Then Can’t Have Them: Wednesdays at 7:00 only on the Big Ten Network.

The biggest concern, though? Dress code. First, Dantonio. Now: Tressel, who forbade Pryor from attending the team dinner for not wearing jeans and not dress slacks.

“They were nice jeans,” Pryor said. “But Coach Tress is a classy guy.”

“I just didn’t think it should have been a big deal about it,” Pryor said. “Some of my teammates said [the event] wasn’t as classy as it was supposed to be. But Coach Tress is a classy guy, and what he wants we have to do. We just forgot our pants. Nothing against the team or anything like that. I apologize to the team … I’m kind of mad we missed a good meal, a free meal at that.”

Tim Gunn objects, sir: dark jeans are acceptable for evenings out, which a team dinner with your teammates and coaches certainly qualifies as, especially since the notion of getting all dolled up just to sit in a room with a bunch of other men in a non-military situation seems a little…odd. Then again, since JT proudly rocks some of the deepest pleats in all of college football, he’s probably not following Herr Gunn’s advice on anything fashion or non-fashion related. The possibility of Pryor having Stockholm Syndrome, though? This concerns us.

(BTW, on pants? If you’re doing the dress slack thing, one single tasteful pleat is acceptable, since Schnelly does it, and this has won him admiration from ladies the world around who treat him as a fertility totem.)

…then a fat girlfriend steps into the kitchen,
Says “Coach Leach where’s my man, I’m askin’ you cause he gone missin’!”
He says “Talk to the guaaaaaard!”
She says “Why’s there a guaaa-aaaaaarrrrd?”
Guard says “Cause I’m a guaaa-aaaaaard!”
She says “Why you rushin’, you know he got a concussion,”
And then Coach Leach says “I’m tryin’ to get fired bitch, so keep up your fussin’
I got to let this boy out
So he can talk to his daddy
So they’ll think that I’m batty
Get a new job thanks to this kid bein’ bratty.”

So Leach says, “Man show this girl that he’s fakin’”
The guard says “Coach, you sure you want to mess up your life?”
As he ate a plate of bacon,*
Leach says “YES.”
The lady says “NOOOOO”
The guard says “None of this shit makes sense, but here I go.”

He walks to the cabinet, he’s close to the cabinet, now he’s opening the cabinet.
Now pause the movie cos what i’m about to say to ya’ll is so damn twisted,
Not only is there a man in his cabinet, but the man… is a CRAIG JAMES’S SON!

AND A MIDGET

A MIDGET

a midget…

*Patented R. Kelly dramatic note of no actual consequence or relation to the story.