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A list in no real particular order of Urban Meyer's possible and impossible replacements based on no inside information whatsover.


1. Bob Stoops. Why he'd leave his current cushy, unassailable, and lofty position at Oklahoma where he has a house, places he likes to eat, and a recruiting network he can flex at will, we'll never know. It would have to be for non-monetary, non-logistical midlife crisis kind of reasons. Remember how Bob Stoops' dad Ron Sr died? In an ambulance on the way to the hospital after suffering a heart attack on the sidelines of a football game. HE'S A LOCK AND I HAVE VERY IMPORTANT SOURCES. Foley hires 'em young, Stoops is fat and happy where he is, and he's almost fifty. It would be a fine hire, and would inspire no immediate thoughts of self-harm at all. It is also highly unlikely given the unfortunate things called facts and situations that govern reality.

Self-harm: None. Only thing harmed: brain cells from celebratory cocktail.

2. Mike Shanahan. Pro coaches for the most part remain pro, meaning you'd see Shanahan come to Florida, look uncomfortable, pick up recruiting after a mere twenty-six year layoff, and smash collegiate minds against a pro-style offense for a year or two before adjusting, all the while being an extreme flight risk at a job he has expressed no interest in while maintaining a matching level of interest in college coaching (none.) In addition to these concerns, he resembles a Scottish Terrier.

Self-harm: Sprained wrist from wanking motion.

3. Bobby Petrino. HA! HA! You've recommended Bobby Petrino for our football program! Everything we can possibly say about Bobby Petrino being recommended for our football program is contained in the following graphic.


It should be so obvious as to be a silent given, but in summary: Petrino is an offensive genius and a very good head coach. He is also a legendary asshole whose veins run cold with the steady rush of sulfuric acid, and flight risk doesn't even begin to describe him if things go even just a bit askance, and that's before considering the threat of the NFL repoaching him. (And if you don't think a team is stupid enough to hire him again, we remind you that Al Davis and Dan Snyder both live and breathe on this mortal coil. It could happen, just like a head coach with two national titles in five years can suddenly, two days after Christmas, quit his job and leave you considering OH GOD PETRINO WHY---)

Self-harm: Delayed, like AIDS. Three or four years of fun, and then the slow, inevitable, and painful death begins.

4. Dan Mullen. The official EDSBS pick because he's Meyer-schooled, an offensive genius, keeps a furious pace like Meyer with a more glib, less heart-destroying stride, and at least has some head coaching experience to go with his stellar record as an assistant. He's a step down, but--surprise!--after Meyer, they all are. The nervousness comes with his inexperience, and thus these special vitamins we take with our vodka.

Self-harm: Pills. Helping mommy cope since 1937.

5. Ron Prince. This announcement sponsored by The Committee To Hire Ron Prince As A Football Coach. The Twitter sensation brings so much to the job: a well-shaved head, the ability to build skullduggerous compensation clauses into his buyouts, and a goatee that smells like smores and victory. Bonus: POWER TOWELS.

The only possible downside is the endless clamoring at the door for him by other programs.

6. Chris Petersen. A fine idea, but he reportedly hates the East Coast and hasn't shown any real inclination to leave the niche he's occupying in Boise. His Satanism might ruffle some feathers, too oh who are we kidding it might help at this job pentagrams welcome!

Self-harm: Lacerations and blood loss from willing participation in Satanic rituals.

7. Tommy Tuberville. Retread-y. Former offensive line coach is now a trucking executive. Never lost to Meyer, but hiring like that is the kind of genius Charlie Weis displayed in hiring practices, and look where that got him. Older, prone to losing bizarro games to unranked competition while slamming ranked opponents, and currently working on the world's third most lustrous tan on the golf courses of Alabama.

Self-harm: Randomly, we'll just let someone from Mississippi State or Arkansas knee us as hard as they like in the balls.

8. Gary Patterson. No objections. None. He's awesomeballs. Look at him here: it's like he's about to vomit the hot fire of justice all over someone from the depths of his burly gullet.


Self-harm: Blown retina from attempt to squirt mouthful of grenadine through our eyeballs in celebration of heisting TCU's coach.

9. Bill Cowher. Do you think this is plausible or desirable? You have tested positive for stupid. Please return to the garbage-filled cave you live in, and let someone else at the public library use this terminal.

Self-harm: Choking ourselves to death with t-shirt.

10. Kyle Whittingham, Utah. Again, zero complaints, and unlike Meyer has completely destroyed an Alabama team on the field. Whittingham would also shore up some of the personnel losses on the defensive side of the coaching staff all by himself, and runs pretty much what Meyer did across the board, and he might smell like Urban. A rich, familiar, comforting musk we suddenly crave like heroin.

Self-harm: Burned nose from hastily glugged champagne.

11. The Kool-Aid Man. A terrible choice for the most part, but his appeal to African-American recruits does bear mentioning. Additional downside: no walls can hold his boundless ambitions.

Self-harm: Concussion from running headfirst into nearest wall.

12. Charlie Strong. Strong would enlist himself in the Shit Army by reneging on his deal at Louisville, throwing himself into Petrino Coaching AIDS territory forever. Foley likely isn't hiring another first-timer, either: if he wants a shot at Florida, he can look at history, amass a serious resume at Louisville (where expectations are Kragthorpe-low,) and then reboot down the road. Personally, too, it is unlikely Strong would deliver such a firm ratfucking to the guys who just offered him his first job as a head coach and had him in tears at his press conference. (And if he did, again: see Petrino Coaching AIDS territory of "brilliant, but unmanageably disloyal.")

Self-harm: Fifty swats on the back with a bouquet of nettles out of self-loathing.

13. Kevin Sumlin. Green, but undoubtedly the luminescent offensive coaching mind of the moment. Liabilities popping out all over the place, however, including his relative inexperience, his indifference to defense, and his lack of familiarity with the Southeast. At forty-five he's older than you think, too.

Self-harm: Swinging stolen helmet into head until unconscious.

14. [NAME REDACTED] Only for the joy of firing him a second time immediately after hiring him.

Self-harm: N/A. We've already been through all the harm he can give us.

15. Jon Gruden. Oh, now you're just being silly.


16: You know.


Self-harm: Only the side effects of a testosterone overdose, that's all.