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Wayne Terrell since the day he was born. We're hungover, and in times of crisis we flee to the classics for comfort. Drop that shit, Super Brokers.

Oh, Wayne Terrell. We like to think you ended up as the Ghostface Killah of Kingsport, TN, wandering the town slowly in terrycloth robes and pointing at people and nodding, rubbing the spot on your neck where your freshly inked "WAYNE TERRELL SINCE THE DAY I WAS BORN" tattoo sits. Thoughts like this make the gin halo we're wearing feel just a little less heavy this morning.

Pat Hill FUCK YEAH. The Fresno State coach wants you to seize the day by the throat and clean your wounds with salt and bleach:

"Winning is everything," said Hill, who just signed an extension with Fresno State to remain as coach into the foreseeable future. "That’s what it’s all about. Everything’s about winning, whether you’re scrimmaging or you’re playing tiddlywinks or whatever it is. The American way is about winning. That’s why people move to the United States so they have a chance to win and be successful in anything you do. If you don’t like winning, go to another country where everybody does the same thing."

Take your ass to Belize or Gabon with that weak shit, non-winners. The coaching world's Courage Wolf will take Fresno State into the New Mexico Bowl, and you bet your ass he's taking home New Mexico Bowl pottery of victory.

Speaking of winners. What's more American than greasing the wheels with campaign contributions? Answer: fake tits, putting a laser sight on a billy club, and Johnny Paycheck boxing a bus full of drunk nuns.

Kippy is your destiny. Sometimes head coaches have head coaching names. "Mack Brown" is not a moniker given to assistants; no that, dear friends, is a name given to a leader of men, a kisser of babies, a builder of programs. Kippy Brown, on the other hand? Yeah, that's someone who is never going to be a head coach anywhere because there will be that awkward moment when someone says "Coach Kippy," and everyone falls over laughing, and then you resign and go back to coaching wide receivers and hating your parents for giving you an assistant's name.

The Fear-O-Meter. Kidney stones should really be higher on this scale. (Best blog name ever, btw, especially for a Northwestern blog.)